Van Gogh Applies To Teach Arts & Crafts At His Local Preschool
“I’m eager to influence impressionable young minds.”
To The Principal at the Saint-Rémy-de-Provence:
I hear, through my one good ear, that you are in need of an Arts & Crafts teacher, and I am the perfect person for this position. I worked briefly as an assistant teacher, so I have experience dealing with the challenging ways of pupils, and I have much experience in art. I just completed a productive stay at a local hospital where, while I was being treated for madness, I painted almost 150 paintings in one year’s time. As proof of my abilities, please refer to my enclosed piece: The Grounds of the Asylum. Now, as I await fame for my talents, I’m eager to return to a school setting where I can influence impressionable young minds.
Attached you will also find my resume which details how I recently sold one painting, the first of many which I hope to sell in my lifetime (fingers crossed). You may also be surprised to see that I served previously as a preacher — but it is surely a positive for I can bring the fear of the Lord into the classroom should the children take too much liberty with their glue.
I will utilize many smart measures as a teacher for everyone’s sanity. Only safety scissors will be allowed in my room along with wooden sticks instead of palette knives for mixing paint — I want the children to keep all their body parts. Brushes will be dipped into harmless acrylic, not the toxic oil paint that can send grown men into delirium if ingested. (Not that I ever did that.)
I am confident that upon my hiring, parents who visit the school will be amazed at the hallway displays and wonder how their kids, who can barely hold a pencil correctly, managed to create such masterpieces. They’ll WANT to hang my projects on their icebox door. Here are examples of the Arts & Crafts I will create with the children:
Self-portraits in thick strokes of crayon Dioramas of bedrooms (like mine in Arles)
Wheatfield etchings on wrapping paper
Clay sculptures of the children’s left ear Paper mȃché sunflowers
A yellow house in the medium of popsicle sticks Potato Eater puppets made out of brown paper…