Vibrator Attachments That We Could Really Use

Priya
Priya
Sep 17, 2019 · 2 min read
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Photo by Polly Alexandra on Unsplash

Dear Big Vibrator,

We get it. You love to make tiny vibrator attachments to stick on the end of regular vibrators for things like “clitoris stimulation” and“G-spot stimulation” and “adding texture to our orgasms.” (What do you mean by texture? Like…grainy?)

But could you please take into consideration that some of us have more pressing needs? Here’s a list of vibrator attachments that women everywhere would actually benefit from:

  1. An attachment that actually disguises what it is, for relatives
    I’m just saying that the discreet ‘massager’ packaging doesn’t fool anyone, on account of my super-Christian aunt found it that one time she visited and I told her it was a massager and she didn’t believe me and now she always acts awkward and weird around me even THOUGH I’m pretty sure Jesus was super chill about that kind of thing. That’s all I’m saying.
  2. An attachment that actually disguises what it is, for boyfriends
    Ugh, boyfriends are so touchy about vibrators. It’s all “Why do you need that thing?” and “Aren’t I enough?” and “Seriously, twice in one night? I think your grandmother was right about you.”
  3. Lipstick applicator
    Everyone knows women are constantly going to the bathroom to touch up our lipstick. We have to do it at least thirty times a day, or we die! Why not add a lipstick applicator to the ends of our vibrators, so we can make those bathroom breaks a little more fun?
  4. Scented-candle holder
    Come on, what better accompaniment to an orgasm than the smell of “Enchanted Pine” or “Raspberry Scone”? (Bonus: the fragrance will have Grandma convinced you were busy baking. Finally, a Christian activity!)
  5. Mini-hairdryer
    You know how it is when you’re traveling and you don’t have room in your suitcase for BOTH your hairdryer and your vibrator? Why do we have to choose between orgasms and professionally-styled hair?

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