Waterboarding Your Toxins Away: Your Wellness Guide For This Spring
We all strive for energy and clarity in these increasingly stressful, complicated and divided times. We’re mentally and physically bombarded with so many messages — what we need is a program that can block out the noise and get us to stop asking so many questions.
I would like you to forget what you think you know about detox. Forget about essential oils and juice cleanses. Forget about hundred dollar eye creams and exfoliators. For a great detoxification routine, all you’ll need is a dark rag, a bucket of water and a long plank of wood.
You can do this routine in the comfort of your own bathroom, but honestly any garage or empty warehouse with a drain will work. Start by placing your body at a 10 to 20 degree decline — this will allow adequate blood flow to the capillaries in your face, which will signal your pores to prepare to release their toxins.
Next, place a dark, damp rag over your face — the material doesn’t matter, but color is important. It should be dark enough to deprive your senses, mimicking the isolating, cool calm of a lake or riverbed. Then, a friend or partner should pour a steady stream of water onto the cloth for twenty or thirty seconds, pausing to remove the cloth to allow airflow — these deep breaths will penetrate to parts of your lungs ignored by even the most rigorous exercise regimes.
This process can be repeated for as many as thirty minutes. The combination of moisture, heavy breathing and shock targets and destabilizes oxidants in your skin and respiratory system. You’ll walk away from the experience feeling like an entirely different person.
For a good mental detox, try creating a white room in your living space. A white room traditionally is an empty, soundproofed, enclosed living space with white walls, floors and ceilings, and no windows. Ideally, lighting should be designed to avoid casting shadows. In these sensory deprivation centers, occupants are instructed to wear white clothing, and all forms of personal contact should be avoided. If possible, create a slit beneath the door through which bowls of milk and rice can be passed.
For the best experience, occupants should remain in the room for at least two weeks. The goal is for the subject to lose sight of the stressful concerns, struggles and battles that complicate our daily lives. Many who have attempted the detoxification claimed the experience kept their ego in check and resulted in a “loss of personal identity.”
There are many other simple methods to physically and spiritually detoxify. Surprise is a muscle too often ignored by the demands of our daily routines. To add a little spontaneity in the bedroom, wake up your partner every fifteen minutes with extremely loud, aggressive bursts of music — this writer recommends Slipknot, Rage Against the Machine, or anything from jazz legend Peter Brotzmann’s Machine Gun sessions. Continue this process for three to five days. This should help reset their body’s circadian rhythms and realign it with the Earth’s natural frequencies.
Never be afraid to experiment. A good rectal feeding can be transformative and mood-resetting. Get your partner to stand on the balls of their feet, and then have them squat so that their thighs are parallel to the ground. Forcing the body into these “stress positions” can hit spots deep in the body ignored by traditional forms of yoga and calisthenics.
These routines and practices are time-tested and have roots in cultures spanning the globe, including the United States, the United Kingdom, Iran, China, North Vietnam and the Soviet Union. Their rigorous application will help you on your journey toward simplicity and the pursuit of the things in life that matter.
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