Ways My Husband Trolls Me

1. Sometimes when he notices I’m out of water, he’ll fill me up a glass. Then he brings it back to where I’m sitting and sets it down, just out of reach.
2. While driving around in the car, he’ll ask me a question. As soon as I start to answer it, he turns up the radio.
3. GODDAMMIT! He read like one feminist book in college. It was called “Odd Girl Out.” The book discusses female aggression. Since that time, if I ever talk to him about a problem I’m having that in any way involves a woman, including my dog Rogue, he thinks for a long time before saying, “You know, I read a book about this sort of thing…”
4. When I start to do something like clear the dishes, he’ll say “Hey could you get those dishes for me?”
5. He says, “Don’t forget we have dinner at seven tomorrow with Jill.” I say, “I know.” He says, “No, but what I’m saying is it’s tomorrow that we have dinner.” I say, “I know!” He says, “I’m just saying that you shouldn’t make other plans tomorrow.” Then I tilt my head, squint my eyes and go through this thing in my brain like, “Is he a literal idiot?” before I realize what he’s doing and flip him off. It’s this processing portion of the exercise where he gets the jollies he came for.
6. Sometimes when I touch his shoulder he looks down at my hand, quits talking and stares at it until I remove it. This is a crowd favorite at parties.
7. Anytime I say something like, “Hey you know what I was thinking earlier?” He responds, “How could I possibly know that?”
8. Anytime I say, “You know what’s weird?” He offers suggestions.
9. He likes to feed me inaccurate information. Once I asked him how people got elephantiasis and he replied seriously, “You have to be bitten by someone who has it.” I believed him! I told other people!
10. Bonus: My dear friend likes to tell stories. My husband likes to derail these stories by turning her attention towards the smallest details, to take her on a goose chase that she’s both leading and following. She’ll be talking about her job and somehow by the time she’s done he’s got her talking about the size of the speed bumps in her neighborhood, while she looks around confusedly at how she’s gotten there. I swear to God if I see them talking at a party, I know he’ll have a stupid smirk on his face.