Waystar Royco CEO Logan Roy As A Fifth-Grader In Elementary School
Kid in cafeteria: Logan, do you want to trade your chocolate milk for my cookie?
Logan Roy: What did you just say to me? Look at me. I said, look at me. Who the fuck do you think you are? You think I want that shitty cookie? That Nestle shit? The one your mom made as she’s nursing her cocktail and crying over your father leaving her?
Kid in cafeteria: What? I don’t have a dad. I have two moms.
Logan Roy: Aha! Good God, a lesbian cookie. Next thing you know, you’ll be trying to trade me tampons for my sandwich.
Teacher during PE: All right everyone, line up on the fence. Team captains, choose your team.
Logan Roy: As if I want to be on a team with the rest of these butt-sniffers. These bozos can’t even tie their own fucking shoes without mommy’s help.
Teacher: Logan, I will not ask again. Line up on the fence with the others or I will put you on time-out.
Logan Roy: Oh, you think you’re a tough guy, huh? Making us line up like pigs at the trough. Do you want me to oink at you too? Oink oink, oink oink! You’re a fucking coward, is what you are!
Kid during recess: Would you like to come over to my house to play Legos after school?
Logan Roy: What are you, a bunch of fucking pansies? Are we going to sit around in a circle and braid each other’s hair? If I hang with you lot, I’ll probably start my fucking period.
Kid: What’s a period?
Logan Roy: I’m surrounded by idiots! Snakes! Hacks! Worms! Pygmies!
Teacher during art time: Logan, would you like to come join us and color?
Logan Roy: I’m in the middle of a fucking war! Don’t you see what’s happening? They are moving against me. You’re either with me or against me. I don’t make the fucking rules! So which is it?
Teacher: What war are you talking about? We’re just coloring nature scenes.
Logan Roy: I am being attacked from all sides — front, left and center! And what do you do? You stand there with your stupid fucking paintbrushes drawing mountains. They are eating me alive, do you hear? They are about to spit out my bones and bury them like the fucking Pompeii! Try drawing that scene, why fucking don’t you?
Kid in the hallway: Are you signing up for the talent show, Logan?
Logan Roy: Stop hovering around me like a bunch of flies around a piece of fresh turd!
Kid in the hallway: Geez, sorry. I was just asking if you were gonna be in the talent show, that’s all.
Logan Roy: Do you think you’re important or something? Let me tell you something. I. Will. Crush. You. I will crush you all. You people are as inconsequential to me as dead flies on my windshield!
Principal: Next up on the honor roll is Logan Roy! Logan, please come on up the stage to get your trophy.
Logan Roy: You think I want your shitty trophy? You think I do all this for a gold star? For a kiss from mommy? Go to hell! And stick that goddamn trophy up someone else’s ass.
Spelling bee announcer: Your word is “adjacent.”
Logan Roy: You seat-sniffer! Look me in the eye. Look me in the fucking eye! What do you see?
Spelling bee announcer: Uh, I’m sorry? You just need to spell the word “adjacent.”
Logan Roy: Oh, I need to spell the word “adjacent?” You think you have such a knack for words? How about this word: fuck off!
Teacher during math class: Logan, what’s 64 divided by 8?
Logan Roy: Ask me another question and I will knock all your fucking teeth out. I will destroy you. You are a fucking nobody! Who am I? I’m Logan fucking Roy.
