Photo by Amy Baugess on Unsplash

We Apologize For Hiring A Sociopathic Genius To Design The Harvest Festival’s Corn Maze

Jon Plester
Oct 29 · 4 min read

Hello everyone, and thank you for coming out to the Plainsboro Township municipal government building. It’s not every day that I make an emergency mayoral address, but we felt it was important to make a formal announcement about a recent development in our town: yes, it is true, the town council has accidentally hired a sociopathic genius to design the corn maze for this year’s Plainsboro Harvest Festival and Autumnal Jamboree.

When introduced to us, he called himself the “Architect.” We thought that meant he came from a background of designing buildings, houses, or maybe even museums and concert halls. But as it turns out, he is a designer of madness and chaos. He is the self-proclaimed hand of god, punishing our town for its sins and misdeeds, an arbiter of right and wrong. Now, before we get ahead of ourselves, we don’t agree with his arbitration; our country’s justice system, while imperfect, is both fair and good. At this time, we are simply repeating our understanding of the situation.

So, in the meantime, please avoid the maze and enjoy the rest of the activities at the harvest festival. There’s plenty of different attractions strewn about the fairground, like bobbing for apples and the best but also largest gourd contest.

I can’t overstate how important it is for no one to enter the maze. It contains traps designed specifically around the sins of the townspeople. For example, Mr. Willerston, who sued the all you can eat buffet for “false advertising”, is now being forced to repent for his gluttony by starving in the maze while he chases around a big, juicy steak attached to a string. Or Mrs. Hilldebrand, who envied her friends' wealth and decadent clothes, is being forced to wear hundreds of layers of beautiful designer clothing at once, an amount that is slowly crushing and suffocating her. And finally, the former Mayor of the town, who committed adultery, had his genitals amputated by the oversized pair of scissors he used for ceremonies. Which, to us on the town council, seemed incredibly uncouth and extreme.

Unfortunately, our police department hasn’t been very helpful in the situation. As it were, most of the department is comprised of either woefully inept rookies or veteran detectives with extraordinarily checkered pasts. The rookies are terrified of what's to come in their careers, while the veterans are all mourning their divorces from their wives, their respective dead daughters, and how playing by the rules never seemed to get them anywhere but further down a whiskey bottle.

Currently, the chief of police is following a hologram of his tragically dead daughter, Sarah, through the maze in an effort to tell Sarah one last time that he loves her.

So, until we convince the police forces of neighboring towns to assist us, please enjoy the many carnival rides around the fairgrounds. We’ve managed to rent the third-biggest ferris wheel in New Jersey, which wasn’t an easy task. But please, don’t look to the left side of the ride when you reach the apex. The height of the wheel gives each rider a direct look into the godless depths of the maze. A place where his light no longer shines.

We have made attempts to contact the Architect to negotiate the release of those trapped inside the maze, but it seems as though he’s locked himself inside what he calls “the control room”. The control room is what he calls the basket of a cherry picker he’s extended overtop the maze so he can watch his subjects writhe.

The good news is that the Architect has a map of the corn maze tattooed on his body, so once we find the key to the cherry picker we should be able to retrieve him, and thus, the map. Unfortunately, it’s rumored that the Architect baked the key into one of the thousands of pies from our very popular “Harvest Festival Apple Pie Evisceration Belly Buster Mega Contest”. We’re asking every competitor in the competition to check their stools over the next week for any keys. Until then, everyone on the town council is going to pray the key turns up, otherwise, this boondoggle may never end.

Regardless of this horrifying torture that has befallen our small town, we’re happy to announce that Blues Traveler will still be playing their headlining show at the Harvest Festival’s closing night. I had the privilege of seeing them soundcheck today and I have to say that guy sure has a lot of harmonicas!

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Jon Plester

Written by

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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