We At Google Are Always Extremely Careful With Your Data, [INSERT NAME]
(Note to Mass Emails Editor: Please double check that our auto-fill software is correctly linked to our database with everyone’s personal information.)
Dear [INSERT NAME],
In light of some recent concerns with the way we handle personal information, we at Google want to remind you that we always take extreme caution with your data. [INSERT NAME], your data stays in our hands ONLY, except for any company that wants it for advertising.
[INSERT TARGETED AD TO MEDDLE IN ELECTION]
As a part of our recent class action settlement, we would like (and are forced by law) to be more transparent with you! Our data collection process is actually pretty simple — we just spy on you for every waking moment of your life to paint an extremely detailed picture of you so that advertising companies are willing to pay us exorbitant amounts of money to advertise using insights from your personal data. See, simple! We also want to remind you that although we do store massive amounts of data on everyone, we promise to never use the data for evil. Additionally, we promise to never give your data to a company that is evil, unless they give us money. You already know this obviously, since you read it in section 331-C of this week’s updated Terms of Service.
[INSERT TARGETED AD FOR A RANDOM ITEM THEY JUST HAD A CONVERSATION ABOUT WITH THEIR MOM YESTERDAY]
If you are still worried, please refer to these FAQs from our website:
Q: Should users be concerned about possible data leaks in the future?
Although a data leak happened recently, you can be more than 100% sure for the rest of eternity that we will make no more mistakes when handling your data, [INSERT NAME].
Q: What happens to everyone’s personal data that you store when Google is no longer a company?
Google plans to be a successful company for all of human existence, so there’s no reason to worry about that!
Q: How much data do you collect about each user?
Hmm, that’s a good question. We will have to get back to you on that.
Q: With big data becoming an increasingly powerful tool to affect social and political issues, do you welcome any type of government regulation?
Next question please, thanks.
Q: Is there anything we can do if we don’t like the way you use our data?
Yeah, you can move all your stuff over to those losers at Bing.
[INSERT TARGETED AD FOR PLASTIC SURGERY ON THE BODY PART THEY ARE MOST SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT]
Look, we love ya baby! Think back on all the great memories we’ve stored together. I guess what we’re trying to say is, we would hate to see anyone sue us again. It would be a shame if someone were to, oh I don’t know, release this photo from your phone… [INSERT PHOTO OF THE STICKER ON THE BACK OF THEIR ROUTER WITH THEIR WIFI PASSWORD]
Thanks a bunch!
