We Can’t Hire You Unless You Legally Change Your Name — A Letter We Send To Applicants Named Steve
Dear Steve [last name],
Thank you for applying for the position of [position title] at CatHomes Incorporated (soon to be renamed SteveCo). We are pleased to offer you the job under one condition: you legally change your name from Steve. This is obviously an unusual request, so please let us explain:
We are a company of only 40 employees. Eight of those employees are already named Steve. As you might imagine, having 20% of your workforce named Steve is an efficiency nightmare — especially if you are actually named Steve. To spare the company any more lost time clarifying which Steve is being spoken to, we have made the decision not to hire anyone else named Steve.
However, as a company, we have come to realize just how many people are currently named Steve, and we don’t want to cut ourselves off from connecting with what appears to be a significant part of the population. As a result, we are offering select Steves the opportunity to grow with our company by legally changing their names.
We understand you may have questions regarding such a transition, so please review the following FAQ’s from previous applicants named Steve.
Can You Legally Not Hire Someone Because of Their Name?
Yes. This is perfectly legal according to our in-house counsel, Steve Mendes.
Why Do I Have to Change My Name Legally? Can’t You Just Give Me a Nickname?
It doesn’t matter if we call you Champ, Chief, or Dracula; if you’re still Steve on paper, it’s going to be a headache for administration.
Is This a Test to See How Much I Want the Job?
We assure you it isn’t. This isn’t Google; we just make furniture for cats.
Why Haven’t You Let Go of Some of the Steves You Already Have?
If we fire any one of our Steves, they will all quit — they have formed a small union.
Will I Receive Compensation for Changing My Name?
No. We see this as more of an opportunity than an imposition. Most adults don’t realize that they’re just a little paperwork away from being called anything they want. Think about it; if you so desired, there’s nothing stopping you from legally being called Lord Bacon Rocket. We are simply encouraging you not to settle for the name you were involuntarily assigned at birth.
How Close Can My New Name Be to Steve?
Please don’t change your name to anything resembling or reminiscent of Steve. Names like Steph, Stove, Sterf, or Sleeve will not be tolerated.
What Should I Change My Name to Then?
We say have fun with it! Jesus, God, Godzilla: pick any grand name you like. Maybe try something exotic like Heinz or Gasolino. The possibilities are endless. We only ask that you don’t choose anything too common like John or Paul as we’d like to avoid a second Steve situation.
What If I Don’t Respond to My New Name?
Not to worry. We will enrol you in a complimentary name-recognition training course at The Happy Feline Academy. Hope you’re not allergic to cats!
Can I Still Be Called Steve at Home?
No. While we can’t regulate this, if you continue to respond to Steve in the office after name recognition training, we will be forced to part ways.
Do You Actually Expect Me to Do This?
Very much so. Once you’ve changed your name and started working with us, you will meet your new colleagues, Vasili, Jean-Claude, and Lickbert — all of whom used to be named Steve. My name was also Steve before I changed it to Heimlich.
How Long Do I Have to Decide If I Want to Change My Name?
We understand this is truly a life-changing decision. But this is a business, and the name-changing process takes a while, so you have three business days.
Why Is the Company Changing its Name to SteveCo?
Great question. Few businesses can survive suddenly losing 20% of their workforce, so our union of Steves get pretty much whatever they want, and they want the company to be called SteveCo.
If you have any further questions or need help finding a name that will best suit your lifestyle, please don’t hesitate to contact me at heimlich@steveco.com.
We look forward to hearing from you,
Sincerely
Heimlich Chang
