We Don’t Care How Shady This Airbnb Listing Is, We Just Need A Place To Crash This Holiday Weekend

Rochelle E. Fisher
Published in
3 min readJul 3, 2022

Image by “sokoziurke” via iStock.com

We’re so excited to find a place to stay for the Fourth of July, we’re going to ignore all the red flags about this vacation rental and hit reserve before someone else snags it. There is nothing strange about a quaint historic house where you can’t check in after 5 PM (closed for visitors). And the review that says, “Don’t stay here, it’s not a rental– The Betsy Ross House is actually a museum,” must be a guest’s revenge because the place doesn’t have a Keurig.

Never mind that some people noted: “The bathrooms are 17th-century latrines that don’t actually flush.” Even if this is true, we don’t plan on hanging out in the house much, we are going to be out the whole day touring Philadelphia. So as long as it has a bed and some musty blankets we can use for a few hours each night, it’s perfect. We’re also not letting this property slip by just because “hundreds of visitors will be in and out the whole day.” If some randoms want to see an exhibit of our toiletries thrown about the splintered floor because “there’s no nightstand,” we’re game.

We just need a roof over our heads. We’ll ignore a comment about the part of the house where water just pours in because “it’s not actually meant to be inhabited by anyone,” and just enjoy the fact that this Airbnb is right near all the major attractions. Plus the cost per night is pretty reasonably a “suggested donation.” The host’s recommendation to pick up “a headset that will provide audio details about the Betsy Ross House” is also spot on. This is definitely one of those novelty properties.

The gallery photos show a woman dressed like she’s in colonial times sewing what looks to be the American Flag out in the courtyard. But it’s clear that she’s just a model hired for the marketing photos and not some woman that will actually be on the property giving some rehearsed speech about how George Washington recruited her. We’d be more suspicious if the photos showed pictures of a nice couple enjoying a candlelit dinner near a working fireplace. But a Betsy Ross impersonator fits in with the whole vibe.

We’ll take it as a good sign that the host answered our questions instantly. It’s nice to know ahead of time that while the staircases are in fact…

Rochelle E. Fisher

Top writer in Satire & Parenting, Rochelle's words can be found in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, The Belladonna, Points in Case, Weekly Humorist, Frazzled, and others.