We Here At BMW Are Proud To Announce Our Subscription-Based Brakes
Heated seats were just the beginning.
By Val Bodurtha and Tristan Peters
“BMW will now charge owners a subscription to use the heated seats in their cars.”
-WIRED, 7/24/22
We here at BMW are deeply excited to be debuting our subscription-based braking mechanisms. In the near future, all BMW drivers will be moved to the new model of paying regularly to use hardware that was already included in their cars. This is the triumphant result of many years of research, focus groups, and experiments on the brain reward pathways of rats. Across the world, the brakes on BMW vehicles will all be automatically upgraded to this model. From the Americas to Asia, from the backroads to the highway, all brakes will suddenly require a credit card number to function.
To us, it’s all about giving you the power of choice, letting you choose between paying for your brakes monthly, quarterly, or yearly. We do offer a free trial, but only for an unspecified amount of time, meaning you can’t predict the exact moment when the brakes will shut off. It will most likely be while driving. Did we mention paid subscribers will get one free year of Disney+ with purchase? (This offer does not include Mulan.)
