We Need To Add Some Classes To Your Fall Teaching Schedule
Dear Department of English Faculty —
Surprise! You’ll remember that we created several classes for this upcoming Fall semester that we did not have teachers for. Well, we looked under every rock, and we can say confidently that there is nobody within 150 miles of here who is willing to teach those classes for what we are willing to pay. We’re going to need you to teach all of them even though you have full schedules.
Although we can’t force you to teach these classes thanks to an annoying loophole in the faculty handbook, we’re fully committed to figuring out how to take away everything you love about your job if you refuse. Pay will be the adjunct rate, which, as you know, is a fiver and the pride of knowing that you are personally responsible for saving the school from financial ruin.
Because we don’t like you very much, we’ve decided to try to make you teach a few history, psychology, and business classes that also don’t have teachers yet. Since words are the primary means of transmitting knowledge, and you are our resident experts on words, we want to believe that you are the most qualified people we have to teach those classes.
To maintain appearances, we’ve prepared this list of options to make it seem like we’re giving you some choice in the matter:
