Wedding Vow Mad Libs

You mean [impressive geological expanse] to me.

Photo by Thomas AE on Unsplash

[Bride’s name],

Let me begin by saying [something stupid about how nervous you are].

I can’t believe how [lie about how comfortable it is] [in/on] this [gazebo/field/beach] near the [heated/air-conditioned/expensive] [hotel/mansion/event center she insisted upon booking].

I can’t help but think back to our [romantic/scandalous/grotesquely debauched] beginnings, like the time we [something deeply personal that nobody under the age of thirteen should hear] when you made me [verb that women will never experience], and then to this day, to see how different we are now. I feel compelled to mention [awkward TMI fact], and I’m happy to say that I have gotten [that awkward TMI fact] under control.

As you all know, I am not a very good [word that means word-sayer person], so forgive me if I [verb that implies a rambling speech with no plan] a bit here.

Here goes nothing.

I vow to not only make you [adjective that describes a pleasant state of being she could achieve by watching her favorite TV show] but also to make you [adjective you have never made her before].

I will do my best to help you achieve [theoretically possible but pragmatically unrealistic emotional state] [unachievable daily rate] [unachievable length of time].

I promise to be [something you’re not], and I promise to be [something that both of you know you will never be].

I promise to do [something utterly achievable but unlikely to happen as often as you promise it will happen], even if it means I have to [verb that can only happen in science fiction].

Despite my [quirk that most people find off-putting but which she finds adorable] and my [trait that at first seemed like one more adorable quirk but turned into a potentially troubling flaw that may be an inherited precursor to dementia], I will continue trying to become [the kind of person who doesn’t have that flaw despite your mutual acknowledgment that this is like fighting nature itself], because that’s what my [cloying, rhyming, gibberish private pet name for bride] deserves.