Welcome to Capitol Heights, Our Country’s Premier Senior Care Facility

Get elected to Congress and age in place

Senator Strom Thurmond on his 100th birthday. (Photo credit: Jermone Howard, US Army)

Located on Pennsylvania Avenue, our facility is consistently ranked the top elder care provider in the country, year after year. We offer the highest staff-to-client ratio in the industry which enables us to deliver unparalleled elder care. And unlike other senior living institutions, our exceptional services are free to those members entrenched in public office. Listed below are some of the services we provide that make Capitol Heights such a coveted senior care facility:

• Minimum 5:1 Staff-to-Client Ratio.This ratio can reach as high as 18:1 depending on a member’s senior status and committee assignments.
• Personal Care Professionals. Our staff will locate reading glasses, reposition hearing aids, and make sure teeth are securely in place before our clients rise to address the nation. Every caregiver is trained to detect pauses during speeches and to complete clients’ sentences on a moment’s notice. Additionally, all our attendants are certified toilet lift operators.
• Public Appearance Checks (PACs). Our PAC attendants perform meticulous grooming checks before members meet with the press or with personal interest groups such as AARP, AMA or Big Pharma. Attendants might straighten a windblown comb-over, remove a spot of Ensure that escaped the bib, or make certain all personal business is tucked in and zipped up.
• Medical Monitoring. All staff are medically trained in blood pressure and heart monitoring, Heimlich maneuver, CPR, O2 administration, and defibrillator. We strive to minimize hospital visits that cause clients to miss critical votes on the border wall and government shutdowns. Being present, upright, and with name plates visible is our goal.
• Medications. Our aides administer prescription medications timely and accurately, especially during floor sessions. Pills can be taken with Metamucil, the preferred choice, to keep the inner workings of our facility functioning smoothly. A client can also choose buttermilk or a flask, discreetly provided upon request. Our prescription monitoring program prevents missed doses, double dosing, and mental confusion, which can lead to embarrassing moments such as clients voting against their own bills.
• Childcare Services. Congress offers all-day child care for the visiting grandchildren and great-grandchildren. This helps avoid the risk of disrupting our clients’ afternoon naps and assures they are well-rested for their $10K per plate fundraising dinners.
• Connectivity. We extend unlimited Internet access and convenient charging stations for any client who happens to have made the technological leap beyond a cassette recorder. We also maintain password and personal contact databases for our clients and can assist with turning on devices, logging in to the Internet, and checking email. These eSupport services help clients stay connected to constituents, which is critical to retaining a position at Capitol Heights, and which minimizes exhausting travel back home.
• Engaging Activities. We offer large-print issues of Readers’ Digest, 30-piece jigsaw puzzles, and reruns of “I Dream of Jeannie” to keep clients awake during lengthy floor debates. When these techniques fail, we provide gentle nudges to maintain professional appearances, especially during national security briefings.
• Mobility Sensitivity. Our staff are careful to keep walkers and chairs out of all photos. Clients who remain upright receive a steadying hand on each arm when navigating the Capitol steps in their slippers or lunging at a member of the opposite party. With our aides’ firm support, we try to limit clients’ floor time to actual floor sessions.
• Tracking Bracelets. We maintain electronic tracking on all our clients. This system alerts us whenever a client mistakenly wanders into the wrong chamber, sits on the opposite side of the aisle, or shuffles down the hall into the arms of an angry mob.

Please be aware that at present, we have no openings for new clients. Space only becomes available upon the passing or transition of one of our senior clients. We apologize for any inconvenience this might cause. Term limits may deny lifetime membership for some seniors in the future. Please check back in November.