Welcome To Golden Rings: A Retirement Home For Former Olympians With No Purpose
We’ve had athletes as young as 15 and as old as 35 join our community!
Welcome to Golden Rings Retirement Community! We’ve been providing end-of-career care to retired Olympic athletes since London 2012, offering them around-the-clock validation of their glory days. At Golden Rings, we know that your former Olympic athlete is never going to let go of the fact that they went to the Olympics — even in retirement! Golden Rings does it all, so you, the athletes’ loved ones, can finally talk about anything — literally anything else.
Amenities
Everything your athlete needs is right here at Golden Rings! To make Olympians feel at home and at the center of attention, we offer the following amenities for all athletes, regardless of the medal they won:
- Cameo Recording Booths: Though former Olympians are no longer being funded by Nike, they’re being funded by their next biggest customers — people who have $25 to spare on a Cameo for their uncle’s birthday. Golden Rings has several sound-proof recording booths to make sure your Olympian has the space they need to create an underwhelming 15-second video that reminds people they were an Olympian.
- 24/7, Around-the-Clock Medical Care For Residents’ Broken-Down Bodies: Golden Rings has countless specialists who are ready to care for athletes on the spot — because these athletes sacrificed their bodies for this country, and definitely not for themselves.
- One-On-One Career Counseling Sessions To Help Athletes Become Influencers: When you’re an Olympian, you’ve likely dedicated your entire life to your sport, and it can be difficult to re-enter the workforce. That’s why our in-house career counselors are there to help retired athletes make the transition from athlete to Instagram influencer with a podcast called “Medal Me This.”
- State-of-the-Art Kitchen Staff That Prepares Seasonless Chicken Breast For Every Meal: You can take the Olympian out of the Olympic Village, but you can’t take the lean protein out of the athlete! Our Golden Rings Applebee's-trained chefs make the whitest baked chicken you’ve ever seen for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, so residents can be reminded of what they were eating when they peaked!
- Classrooms To Catch Up On 16 Years Of Public Education: Since your parents took you out of school to live out their dream of you becoming an Olympian, you may have missed some valuable lessons like basic math or reading comprehension. Drop off the balance beam and dive into a Dr. Seuss book and enrich yourself in a world of underfunded classrooms to reenact the childhood you missed.
Testimonials
“When I came to Golden Rings, it was so refreshing to be surrounded by like-minded Olympians whose only purpose was to win gold medals. It feels really good to be outcast from society like this.” — Shawn White, 2006 Winter Olympics Snowboarder
“Golden Rings allowed me to be my true self: a hollow shell of the young, spry Olympian I once was 16 years ago. Thank you, Golden Rings!” — Shawn Johnson, 2008 Summer Olympic Gymnast
“My self-esteem has been totally raised being here at Golden Rings because I’m surrounded by people who won bronze medals, when I won a gold one. Did you know I won a gold medal, by the way?” — Michael Phelps, who actually owns a $2.5m mansion, but lives at Golden Rings instead by personal choice
FAQ
Some commonly asked questions by Olympians and their loved ones:
Q: What is the process of moving in?
A: Depending on their Olympic sport, we allow them to move in based on their skill level. For example, pole vaulters could run at us with their belongings and jump over our 20-foot entrance fence.
Q: Is there an age requirement?
A: There is no minimum age requirement. We’ve had athletes as young as 15 and as old as 35 join our community.
Q: What are the visiting hours?
A: You’re welcome to visit your Olympian every four years or whenever they feel relevant to you.
What Are You Waiting For?
At Golden Rings Retirement Home, we care for athletes — but more importantly, we care for their family and friends’ peace of mind. No more conforming around their bland eating habits, no more recounting of every injury they’ve ever had, and no more hearing about their ultimate sacrifice and victory for our country. You can live your life, on your terms — without having to be flashed by their Olympic rings tattoo every five minutes.
More from Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman:
