After what feels like years, you’re finally allowed to hit the town! This privilege was announced two weeks ago and hasn’t been revoked (yet), so you’re probably in the clear (for now). We know that after everything that’s happened, going out (getting off the couch) can seem pretty daunting.
Here are some changes we’ve made to our bar to ensure that you’re comfortable:
1. Opening Hours
We now open at 10 am because we know that you now drink whenever you want. A glass of Chardonnay at 11 am is no longer just for emergencies (bad hangovers, crying baby, or crying boss).
2. Pop Up Screens
In case you feel uncomfortable with actual human interaction, all our booths have been equipped with digital screens that can be linked to your Zoom account. Tap the button on the bottom left corner for our customized Zoom backgrounds! From blanket wrapped workstations to Cheetos strewn bedsheets — we have lots of options that’ll soothe your nerves.
3. Conversation Coasters
Now that the virus seems to be over, you may struggle to find things to talk about. Our newly designed coasters feature conversation starters like ‘How does it feel to put on a bra after 3 months?’ or ‘Did you ever manage to finish one of those goddamn puzzles?’
4. Toilet Paper
After months of worrying about toilet paper, we want our customers to feel completely at ease at our bar. Which is why we’ve stocked our bathroom with a giant 25 feet high toilet paper roll. Additionally, our table napkins, menus, feedback forms, and curtains have all been replaced with toilet paper.
5. Banana Bread Candles
We’re a bar, so we don’t really offer snacks. But we understand that many of you probably miss the smell of banana bread that you’ve grown accustomed to at home, so we’ve placed a banana bread scented candle on every table.
6. Sanitizer Fountain
To show you how seriously we take the ‘free-flowing sanitizer’ sign placed outside, we’ve installed a new fountain that spritzes sanitizer, right in the middle of our bar! Feel free to sanitize your hands and any other body part, as often as you like. (Bringing large pieces of furniture from your house and dipping them into the fountain is strictly prohibited.)
7. Pants Pick Up
We realize that many of you may have gotten out of the habit of wearing pants. No biggie! Our bar has a pick-up station that stocks a variety of pants in different styles, sizes, and colors. Let us know if you’d like us to customize your succulent or a Dalgona coffee cup on them. Leave your request on the toilet paper notepad placed on the counter.
8. Shower Set Up
Just like the pants, a lot of you have probably forgotten that showering is a daily activity. Don’t worry! We’ve added shower cubicles behind the bathrooms. They automatically unlock when they get a whiff of an unshowered customer.
9. Tik Tok Promotion
We know you made a Tik Tok account during quarantine. All we ask is for you to upload a video of you having a blast at our bar. Maybe modeling in one of our pants? Or wiping your arms and legs and face with copious amounts of toilet paper? Or going on a Zoom date with somebody you’re sitting right next to? You get the idea. Be creative!
10. Date Night Special
While our competitors have introduced mannequins and blow-up dolls, we are letting you drink alongside your preferred choice of eye candy. Never got to grab a cocktail with that Tinder match you were texting during quarantine? It’s your lucky day! Insert a picture of the person you’d like to have drinks with into the machine by the fountain and we’ll give you a life-size dummy of their gorgeous face!
11. (No) Bartenders
Oh, we almost forgot to tell you! We’re way over our budget so we will not be hiring any bartenders. You’ll make your own drinks. After all, you’re probably used to your home-made (read: poorly made) cocktails by now. Cheers!