Welcome To Our Recently Haunted Bed And Breakfast

The Birch Tree Inn: Haunted Since August.

Libby Marshall
Oct 29 · 3 min read
Image for post
Image for post
Image by Enrique Meseguer from Pixabay

Mr. and Mrs. Sheldon! Welcome to the Birch Tree Inn, the coziest and spookiest little Bed and Breakfast in East Central Illinois. I see we have you down for two nights in the Violet Suite. Ooh, that’s our most haunted room. Legend has it that Thomas Miller and his new bride Gloria checked in for their honeymoon and never checked out. Their deaths remain a mystery to this day. But don’t worry, this happened a very long time ago. How long? Over two whole months.

Let me show you into our sitting room, the first place the Millers visited on their doomed honeymoon. In this very chair, Gloria played Candy Crush on her phone while she waited for Thomas to check in. Spooky! And where you’re standing right now is where Thomas asked if there were gluten-free options for breakfast. Sadly, he didn’t live to try our gluten-free waffles. See that framed picture of the Millers on a trip to Paris hanging above the fireplace? It’s an original photo we found on Facebook from all the way back in 2018.

Legend has it, every night at two am you can hear the Millers bickering about the spotty WiFi. But there’s no need to be afraid. All this horror happened so long ago. Almost a whole half-season of prestige television has passed.

And here comes Old Ernie, the handyman. He’s the one who found the Millers stabbed a hundred times each in their marital bed. Go on, tell the story Ernie. Tell them how the happy couple had been reduced to human-shaped meat puddles. Darn, it looks like Ernie’s ignoring me again. That guy is so weird. Between you and me, I heard that he was spurned by his fiancé in his youth and now hates all people lucky enough to experience romantic love.

Going up the stairs we’re following the exact path the Millers took to their unlucky fates. See that scratch on the wall? It’s from Gloria’s suitcase scraping the plaster. At night, some guests have reported hearing heavy thumps on the staircase. Coincidence? Or is Gloria Miller still trying to haul her suitcase full of shoes up these stairs?

And here we are at the Violet Suite. We’ve done our best to preserve the B&B how it was when the Millers died all those weeks ago. Mostly because this is still technically an active crime scene.

We even have a few artifacts of the Millers’ ill-fated stay. You can charge your iPhone with Thomas’s actual charger. On the dresser is a bag of peanut M&Ms that Gloria never got to finish. And here is perhaps the most peculiar item, a seemingly simple table lamp. I myself replaced the bulb in this lamp the very morning the Millers checked in and it hasn’t gone out since. Nine whole weeks that bulb has lasted. Some might say that’s a normal amount of time for an LED bulb to last, but my theory is the spirit of Gloria Miller won’t allow the bulb to die until the killer is brought to justice.

No, wait, Mr. and Mrs. Sheldon, where are you going? Oh, everyone’s fine staying at a haunted B&B when the murders happened a hundred years ago, but just because the Millers’ hair is still in your shower drain it’s “tacky” and “insensitive.” Please don’t leave! No one wants to stay at the murder B&B. And yes, I know the murderer was Old Ernie, but he’s promised not to do it again.

Don’t go! You can have as many gluten-free waffles as you want if — I mean when — you wake up!

Please don’t write a review!

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Sign up for Yapjaw

By Slackjaw

Yapjaw is Medium's #1 newsletter for all things humor, and we're sorry to say you'll only receive it a few times a month. Take a look

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Libby Marshall

Written by

A writer from Chicago. Libby-Marshall.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Libby Marshall

Written by

A writer from Chicago. Libby-Marshall.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store