Apr 18, 2019
Welcome to our Website! We See You’re Using an Adblocker.
Welcome to our website! We’re so happy to have you here!
Hmm. Wait just one second. That’s weird. Our ads aren’t loading for some reason. You know, those two enormous banner ads that take up the top and bottom third of your screen? Usually they’re advertising sinks (because you googled sinks once two months ago), but recently they’ve been concerningly centered on selling you services to freeze your sperm?
Now, usually this kind of thing happens when someone’s using adblocking software, but we know you wouldn’t do that to us. We know you wouldn’t stab us in the back by using some kind of silly google chrome extension that disables our perfect ads from loading, David. Right? DAVID?!
Because, you know, that’s how we make our MONEY! I think you know that we need to shoot these beautiful ads directly into your eyeballs in order to keep this website RUNNING! To keep our office fridge stocked with collagen peptide water! To keep our board of directors on the Forbes list of 500 most nefarious billionaires!
Ok, wow. I guess it’s true. You are using an adblocker. So this is what betrayal feels like. God this is a waking nightmare for us, a multinational web conglomerate whose CFO has been accused of hunting humans for sport multiple times.
Despite enjoying our website for free for years, you’ve chosen to selfishly consume our content without the ads we’ve so carefully curated for you by way of secretly recording all your online habits. Well, listen, we’ll just ask you straight out: would you mind disabling your adblocker? Please, David? For old time’s sake?
God we must sound desperate to you. What we mean to say is you’re totally free to continue with an adblocker enabled if you’re….comfortable doing that.
Ok! Nope, that’s totally fine. Absolutely no problem. No hard feelings, we get it. You don’t always want ads. Sure.
Look, I don’t mean to sound like a broken record but I’m just feeling weird about the adblocker thing still. Is that crazy? Sorry, David, it’s just that we, as a multi-million dollar corporation, have spent, truly, mountains of cash to mine your data, and for you to turn on an adblocker so glibly so…casually….Well, it hurts. It cheapens all that we’ve built together.
We record all your keystrokes, spending habits, search history — all that stuff — because we care about you! Also, incidentally, we think it would be wise for you to freeze your sperm. Whatever, we can talk about that later. What we’re trying to say is remember the good times! Like when you clicked that ad for Cialis one time just to see what would happen and then we spent literally months advertising boner pills to you nonstop? We sent a barrage of spam emails to you, remember? We plagued your Instagram feed with images of two gross oldies holding hands in separate bathtubs! God, I love us.
Honestly, and again it’s fine, but it’s just weird because we thought you liked the ads! I’m just wondering, like, what you have against us, a gorgeous but morally bankrupt corporation whose CFO certainly was NOT found guilty of hunting humans for sport? Why don’t you want us to make a frankly mind-boggling profit off your personal and private data? I know it makes you uncomfortable that we monetize the information we’ve collected on your insecurities and deepest fears, but consider this: we want to really bad!
Wait, David what are you doing?! Don’t delete our cookies! The entirety of our relationship is saved in there! Your birthday is June 4th! Your favorite color is beige for some reason! Your sister Amy doesn’t like you very much! David plea —
Welcome to our website! We’re so happy to have you here!
