Welcome to the Donald Trump Management School
Welcome to the Donald Trump Management School. You made a great decision to come here because I am the best at management. How do I know this? Because I’ve repeated it out loud many times, so that makes it true. It’s a fact. Believe me, I know facts.
The first principle of managing people is: make sure they do exactly what you want them to do.Get rid of anyone who thinks they have a “conscience” or considers himself a “whistleblower”. Your employees should always be reflecting back to you exactly what you tell them. You want spineless sycophants. They’re not getting paid to tell you what they think — they’re getting paid to carry out what you think. If there is any disagreement, dissent, or even opinions from your employees, make them so miserable they quit — or fire them!
Here’s another secret of managing people: Don’t praise them for their good work or do any of this namby-pamby team-building nonsense. That will just leave you with a bunch of crybabies on your team! Business is a cutthroat world. So is politics. None of this feel-good stuff, that’s only for preschools. I don’t mean for the preschool employees — preschools are still a business. I mean for the preschoolers. Even they shouldn’t be coddled too much, actually. But I digress. If your employees try to insist on hand-holding and politically correct nonsense — don’t sing “Kumbaya” with them, fire them!
Don’t let your employees’ personal lives affect their work. Sick days? I don’t get sick and neither do my employees. If an employee has children — and believe me, all my companies have had excellent family leave policies because I really do love women — I fully expect that employee to have sufficient nannies to care for the kids. By the way, my employees have nannies from right here in the U.S. A. They don’t have nannies from Mexico or one of those Muslim countries. I personally would never allow any headscarf-wearing help in my home. My nannies wear denim and bikinis like God intended. If your employees can’t find a decent nanny and their kids cause them to miss work, you know what to do — fire them!
Back to the employees themselves — forget about “bathroom breaks” or “eating lunch”. It’s unnecessary. I don’t actually eat, you know. I only pretend-eat to demonstrate my loyalty to companies that have factories in the U.S. (I refuse to pretend-eat Chinese food). You’ll never catch me going to the bathroom, though. Disgusting. If you catch employees eating lunch or using the bathroom, immediately fire them!
You cannot have disloyal employees, I can’t stress that enough. If you call an employee, and he doesn’t pick up the phone on the first ring, he is “on warning”, just like Iran! After one warning, if employees don’t pick up the phone immediately — fire them!
Just remember this acronym for success in management: D.I.C.T.A.T.O.R. That stands for Doing Intelligent Creation To Advance Trump On the Regular. You’ll have to replace “Trump” with your name or the name of your company, as long as it starts with the letter T (which I call “the power letter”). Actually, if you have enough money, you can become a Trump. How much money? If you have to ask, you don’t have enough.
If you are not satisfied with this course in any way, too bad — because you signed a waiver beforehand and I refuse to settle lawsuits. I don’t care what you read in the papers, they’re wrong. I’m the boss, and I’m right. That’s what being the boss is all about. You are always right, and your employees are always wrong. If you can’t become a better manager after taking this course, guess what you need to do — fire yourself!
