Welcome To The Hypochondriac Escape Room

To start, enter the room by touching this doorknob that our intern Stan coughs on regularly!

Tara Millette
Feb 29 · 4 min read
Pixabay/ Clockedindk

Welcome to Hypochondriac’s Escape Room! A place for the needlessly worried to obsess and nail-bite over a diagnosis they’ll never get. Leave the room in under 60 minutes and you’ll receive a free full body scan. Let’s go!

To start, enter the room by touching this doorknob that our intern Stan coughs on regularly.

Congrats! You entered under the 20 minute mark! Answer this question for your first clue.

You Experience A Random Pain In Your Elbow, Is It:

A) Arm Cancer
B) Brain Cancer
C) Elbow Cancer

Correct! It’s all three!

Uh oh! The phone is ringing! You must answer it!

Mystery Man: “Hello, I am a doctor. I have your results.”

You immediately hung up! Good job! Better to never know and keep worrying!

You’ve unlocked your next clue, a secret door is opening! Behind it is a computer. Do you:

A) Search for nearby pharmacies for ibuprofen, or

B) —

— I see you’ve already logged into WebMD! Great work! Type in your symptoms for clue #4!

You typed in “my head dinks sometimes”! Congrats! The TV turns on!

Watch a bit to see if you can find your next clue!

It’s playing a medical drama. Press the large red button to your right whenever you feel you have the rare disease the beautiful TV patient has.

Congrats! You broke the button in under 30 seconds!

A secret key has been released!

Find the right lock for this key to fit into.

Good job! You unlocked the bathroom cabinet!

Read all the prescription labels and decide which ones you will eventually need when you’re probably diagnosed with adenoid cystic carcinoma!

You selected an expired bottle of Zzzquil! Congrats!

The toilet has shifted, revealing a secret tunnel!

Congrats! You didn’t go into the tunnel. Good job, it was a trick! The tunnel leads to common sense anxiety therapy and is also kind of icky!

There’s a high pitched ringing in the air, is it the brain tumor you’ve convinced yourself you have or your phone that is very much ringing? Quick! Shout how many months you probably have left to live!

You yelled “4”! This is correct.

A picture frame creaks open, revealing a hidden safe!

The code is the answer to the following question: How many panic attacks have you had about an ingrown hair in the crease of your buttcheek that you’re now convinced is “advanced butt tumor syndrome or something like that”?

Wow! Good job! 1168!

The safe is open! Inside are several folders, read them for the next clue.

Uh oh! You have a paper cut from grabbing the documents! Time to sit and estimate how quickly you will get an infection that will spread throughout your entire body and kill you in your sleep.

You sat panicking for thirty minutes! Great work! This has unlocked anxiety hives all over your chest!

Connect your hives with a sharpie to find your next clue!

Congrats! You’ve connected your hives in the shape of a cloud!

A skylight has opened, revealing your friends and family. They’re telling you everything is fine, don’t be silly, and if it hurts don’t poke it.

Great work! You immediately shut the skylight and returned to WebMD! What do the people who know you best really know, anyway! Unfortunately, you’ve been in this escape room for three weeks. Would you like to request a hint —

Congrats! You typed in the symptoms “am I dead right now?” unlocking the main door! You have won the Hypochondriac’s Escape Room! Thank you for parti —

Good job! You blacked out the windows with newspaper and logged back on to WebMD! You’ve typed in the symptoms “randomly dying, no symptoms”. Did you know you are free to leave? Thank you for —

— Congrats! You typed “which kills faster: aneurysm or infection through paper cut?” The door is now open, and the next players would like to have a turn —

You typed “HEAD DINKS = DEATH???” We would like you to leave.

— Great work! You yelled “WEBMD IS MY LIFE NOW!” You’re free to exit!

Good Job! You’ve taken our intern Stan hostage. Just go.

Great work! You’re asking Stan to check if your glands look swollen. Please stop.

Congrats! You’ve been arrested! Come again!


Medium humor. Large laughs.

Thanks to Alex Baia

Tara Millette

Written by

Tara Millette is a humor and copywriter based in Philadelphia.



Medium humor. Large laughs.

More From Medium

More from Slackjaw

Mar 25 · 3 min read


More from Slackjaw

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade