Welcome To The Netflix Brothel
Say goodbye to password-sharing
So it finally happened, Stud. Netflix banned password-sharing and you’re too cheap for your own subscription. I guess in these trying times it’s only fair for a man to seek relief elsewhere. Who am I to judge? Just sit back and let Desiree take care of all your binge-watch needs.
What am I wearing? Nothing much, Hot Stuff. Just the usual Cheeto-dusted Stussy hoody and light-grey Adidas sweatpants. I bet you’d like to see me get even more comfortable, wouldn’t you? Maybe by — I don’t know — tucking the hems directly into my slipper socks…
Let’s push in that Amazon Fire Stick. Do you like it when I say Fire Stick? How about when I slowly scratch the back of the TV, lightly caressing the plastic around HDMI 3? Listen to the tension of the cable barely reaching the outlet. If only I had a big, strong man with a 10-inch multi-socket extension cord…
Look at those exterior shots of Hawkins, Indiana. Did you know Eleven’s character was modeled after E.T.? You love my fun facts, don’t you? Gosh, that huge, dripping Demogorgon almost looks real. What if I whispered something really naughty in your ear? Perhaps something about the visual effects department using a…bidirectional scattering distribution function.
Time for a category change, Beefcake. Quirky and Irreverent Sitcoms always get my clients going. I can see your eyes dilate as my fingers hover over Arrested Development, your chest pumping from the sound of Ron Howard’s narration. Does layered comedy make you tingle? I’m sure we could go all night spotting new joke after new joke after new joke, until we just can’t take it anymore. Did you notice the background gag? They’re foreshadowing Buster’s missing hand in episode eleven. If you behave I might even let you skip season four and five…
Ocean’s 13 is leaving Netflix. Let’s add it to the list so we don’t forget. But that’s not what you want, is it? You love the risk, the thrill of getting caught. Even the slightest chance of missing a movie you’ve already seen five times prods at that masochistic mind. Holding out for days and days, leaving it to the very last minute. Just a little more, just a little more, until…YES! God, it feels good seeing Clooney and the gang pull it off again.
Time for one last browse, Scumbag. Do you like it when I get under your skin? Does it make angry? What if I told you Alan Arkin isn’t in season three of The Kominsky Method? Sure, Michael Douglas is still solid, but it’s nowhere near the same.
That’s right. Scream out that GLOW needed more time, Pig.
How about we watch Grace and Frankie season eight? Yeah, I know there’s no season eight. What are you gonna do about it? Gonna cry? Oh, and they were right to cancel The OA. American Vandal? What an artistic mess. You heard me, Pervert.
That’s it! Tell me Mindhunter deserved another season!
Louder! LOUDER!
And… time’s up.
Leave the money on the nightstand and delete your Cobra Kai avatar on the way out.
