Welcome To The Totally Real, Definitely Not Pretend Cash Cab!
Please stop screaming and listen to the next question.
Huh. Hey, how y’all doin’? Three of ya’? Where ya’ headed? Greenwich and 13th? You got it, pal.
Just kidding — you’re in Cash Cab!
That’s right! It’s a TV game show that takes place right here in my 2004 Hyundai Elantra. I’m your host, Hank, though you already knew that from your Uber app. We’ll be —
Excuse me? Yes, Ryan, this is the real Cash Cab. Look, there’s a camera right there in the empty Wendy’s cup on the dashboard. Well, you can’t see it, but it’s in there. Smile! As I was saying, I’m going to ask a series of questions, and if you get three wrong before we get to your stop, you’re outta luck! And you know what happens then — I lock the doors and drive us into the river. Got it?
I know, I know, this isn’t the Uber ride you were expecting today. I guess you never know what can happen in New York City. Cash Cab can come at any moment!
So, let’s get started. Here’s your first question: In 1993, I was working at the Port Jersey Marine Terminal when my boss Terry caught me field dressing a raccoon in one of the shipping containers. What did I do to Terry to make sure he didn’t tell anyone?
People, please stop crying. And if you’d kindly reaffix my grandma’s Christmas lights to the roof. There’s some Scotch tape right there behind you. Thanks! It’s not Cash Cab without the flashing lights, is it? IS IT?!
Unfortunately, time’s up on that last question. Boy, that’s one strike. Water’s cold this time of year! Let’s get back on track. But first, we’ve reached a RED LIGHT CHALLENGE! Okay, so here’s how it works. While we’re sitting at this red light, I ask a question. If you get it wrong or if time runs out, I throw this bad boy in gear and we floor it through the intersection. Ready?
Guys, you won’t be able to hear the question if you’re screaming. Okay, here we go: When I visited Terry in the hospital, he told me he knew what he had seen, and he’d get out of the hospital soon and call the police. What did I say to him then?
Need an answer, gang.
Oh no, that’s the timer. Buckle up!
Phew! That one was close. But that’s how it goes sometimes in Hank’s wacky Cash Cab!
Yes, this is the real Cash Cab, Ryan!
Now, you have two strikes, team. Your destination is right up there on the left, so this is probably the last question. If you get it right, you win some walkin’ around money and get dropped off no problem! If not, well, the river is a-callin'!
Don’t forget, you also have one street shoutout if you’re feeling stumped. Alright, everyone. Last question: When Terry and I walk by each other at work now and he looks down at the ground, what do I whisper to remind him of our agreement?
You want to use your shoutout? Nice! Okay, there is but one rule with the shoutouts, my fellow Cash Cabbers. You’re not allowed to say anything like “Please help us escape” or “Hank has us trapped and he’s going to drive into the river.” You must stay on the topic of the question. That’s what we’re here for anyway, right? Okay, I’ll just pull over here and —
WHAT DID I JUST SAY?! I just told you — stick to the fucking question! Last chance. What do I say to Terry to make sure he keeps his lying mouth shut?!
Oh my god. I can’t believe it! You got it! You’re absolutely right! I mean, replace “dog” with “elderly father.” But yes! Wow, way to go! You won this episode of Cash Cab! Quick, look into the camera and say “I had so much fun on Hank’s Cash Cab!”
Look, I need you to look at the Wendy’s cup and say the line.
No, the whole line: “Hank’s Cash Cab.”
Alright! That’s a wrap, gang! And perfect timing, right at your destination. I don’t actually have any money to give you, but I have this gold watch I got from my last contestant. Don’t mind the mess on it, that’s just raspberry jam. He was eating a danish.
Thanks for playing and watch the do — WATCH THE DOOR! Grab a mint and water bottle if you’d like. Don’t forget to rate me 5 stars!
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