Welcome To The United Airlines Economy Minus Program
Thank you for purchasing an “Economy Minus” ticket, recently debuted here at United Airlines. A few things to note about the United Airlines Economy Minus ticket:
· Economy Minus boarding passes must be picked up outside security, in person, fifteen minutes before boarding. You will need to answer three riddles from the United Boarding Sphynx®, which is encouraged to maul passengers who answer incorrectly.
· Economy Minus passengers may bring a carry-on item of any size, so long as it fits into your rectum. Passengers are encouraged to check larger bags with our United Baggage Gremlins™ for a small convenience fee of $50 per pound. Bags checked and paid for through Economy Minus may be subject to the Baggage Gremlins’ “Luggage Shredder” (patent pending.)
· “Customers” who have purchased an Economy Minus ticket will be in Boarding Group Twelve and utilize the Brown Lane, demarcated by the barbed wire fence.
· Seat and boarding group change requests may be directed to the United Gate Attendant, who will happily smash your knuckles with a hammer.
· We ask all United Economy Minus Passengers to board through the rear doors of the plane, directly into the cage at the back of the aircraft. If Economy Minus passengers attempt to communicate with Star Alliance…
