Thank you for purchasing an “Economy Minus” ticket, recently debuted here at United Airlines. A few things to note about the United Airlines Economy Minus ticket:
· Economy Minus boarding passes must be picked up outside security, in person, fifteen minutes before boarding. You will need to answer three riddles from the United Boarding Sphynx®, which is encouraged to maul passengers who answer incorrectly.
· Economy Minus passengers may bring a carry-on item of any size, so long as it fits into your rectum. Passengers are encouraged to check larger bags with our United Baggage Gremlins™ for a small convenience fee of $50 per pound. Bags checked and paid for through Economy Minus may be subject to the Baggage Gremlins’ “Luggage Shredder” (patent pending.)
· “Customers” who have purchased an Economy Minus ticket will be in Boarding Group Twelve and utilize the Brown Lane, demarcated by the barbed wire fence.
· Seat and boarding group change requests may be directed to the United Gate Attendant, who will happily smash your knuckles with a hammer.
· We ask all United Economy Minus Passengers to board through the rear doors of the plane, directly into the cage at the back of the aircraft. If Economy Minus passengers attempt to communicate with Star Alliance members, or, god forbid, passengers in first class, our United Airlines FlySafe Warlords® are authorized to dump you in the hold and charge you an overweight bag fee.
· As United Airlines’ $2.2 billion in profits are forcing us to cut costs, we have removed in-flight entertainment screens. United Economy Minus Passengers may pre-install our United Airlines Dial-Up VCR App, now showing Howard the Duck on a loop.
· Food? Fuck off
· As a treat to our first-class passengers, whom we’ve provided with ThermaPro Insulated Sleeping Chambers, the cabin temperature on all United Airlines flights will be set at 23 degrees. Once you reach cruising altitude, passengers in Economy Minus will gain access to the single, threadbare United Airlines HungerBlanket™. Prove your worth.
· Passengers flying in the United Airlines Economy Minus Brigs™ may notice that the carpet is somewhat damp.
· You may also notice the lack of bathrooms.
We know you have four choices when you fly, and we’re grateful that our market share means that United is often your only option to get to your destination. After all, what are you gonna do? Fly Spirit?
Also, your flight’s been cancelled.