Welcome To Your Gym’s Half-Assed Fall Experience
Where the eerie, ramshackle vibes are just part of the charm. Trust us.
Hey there, valued member! Been awhile! As you can tell from the single string of autumnal paper leaves draped across the welcome desk, fall is in full swing here at your athletic club. And, as is evident from the complete lack of any other store-bought décor, we’ve spared every expense in making our facility a veritable cornucopia of slapdash seasonal surprises.
What’s new, you ask? Well, head upstairs and you’ll find the assisted pull-up machine covered in locally sourced, all-natural cobwebs. In the men’s locker room, you’ll notice several flickering lights, which we promise are very much an aesthetic choice. And see the skeleton to my left? That’s what happens if you try leaving us for Planet Fitness.
But enough about that. Remember the months-old floor stain near the ellipticals? Conceivably a pumpkin spice latte, right? We’ve also replaced all our “Out of Order” signs with grisly, hand-drawn illustrations showing how each cordoned-off apparatus might claim your limbs. Beyond that, even our functional machines now creak twice as much, and that old leg press in the northeast corner is currently 17% more likely to give you tetanus. Spooky!
But that’s not all! Feel that brisk breeze? That’s right, we’re leaving the heat off well into November to get everyone in the season’s spirit. Nothing says “autumn ambiance” like goosebumps. Hear that distant wail? We’re laying off our entire staff one by one to make their misery stretch the whole season. Everyone except Earl, the janitor, that is. His vibes were simply too seasonally appropriate to waste, what with that silent, unblinking stare. You’ll find him in his usual spot, conspicuously close to the squat racks, cleaning the same window for hours on end.
You see, it’s all part of the small — and cost-effective — things we do to make this place feel less like a crappy, run-down gym and more like a crappy, run-down community. So, head on in there! Soak in the festive fall atmosphere and let it distract you from our faulty equipment and the fifty-dollar monthly membership fee funneled directly to executive compensation. Because, look, we both know you’re thinking about getting yourself a Peloton this holiday season, and though we draw the line at monetary investment in our athletic infrastructure, we’re committed to manufacturing just enough cheap whimsy to give you irrationally positive associations with this shithole of a facility and make you want to stay.
