We’re All God’s Children, And Dad Hates Us
Brothers and sisters of the congregation,
It is with heavy heart and damp eyes that I break some unfortunate news to you: our father, who art in heaven, has a whole ’nother family he kept from us. I know this is a lot to take in, but our father is also father to a whole race of space people.
As you all know from my sermons, and from Bruce Almighty, our God communicates primarily through a special form of e-mail called Yahweh.com. In my most recent exchange with the man upstairs, I asked what I believed to be an innocent question:
When will brother Jesus is risen once more?
Unfortunately, I did not receive the E.T.A. I was hoping for.
Instead, God sent me the following response:
How about never, you phony fucking failure?
I’m done with all you earth kids, including Jesus’s black ass.
I have a secret family/society on Mars that I am way more excited to provide for than you fucks. For thousands of years, I have discreetly and evenly split my omnipresence between you both, but y’all aren’t worth the effort anymore. So, from here on out, it’s all about my space fam.
Everybody get up, it’s time to fam now, we got a real fam going now, welcome to the space fam.
Except you’re NOT welcome to the space fam. It’s perfect as it is because none of them would ever put words in my mouth, or try to pass off their whack-ass political agendas as ways to keep me happy. I’m sick of that shit. I wouldn’t have created abortion if I didn’t want it to be an option.
Earth sucks. Mars forever. Lose my address.
Sincerely,
Tha G.O.D.
Now, I desperately wanted to find out that this was just another prank at the hands of our misguided ex-altar boys. Unfortunately, our most tech-savvy current altar boy was able to trace the sender’s I.P. address to heaven’s server.
So, with our father apparently out of the picture, I feel I have no choice but to become the man of the world’s house. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, I’m ready. Financially, I will require your endless support.
Have a blessed day, and thank you in advance for subscribing to my Praytreon.
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