We’re Bluehost, And We Hope You Die
Slowly.
Nice website! You don’t deserve it, or anything else. You deserve Bluehost. We own your host now, and that means we own you. The longer you insist on surviving, the worse life will get.
At Bluehost, we have a simple dream: triangle choking the internet until it stops moving. Teaching webmasters that heaven is empty, but Bluehost is right here. Your website whatever.whogivesashit is the next step. And the step after that. Our quarterly goal is watching your heart give out.
Don’t confuse this for business. We hate you. You’re a stain on the real and virtual worlds. And we’ll keep buying out pissant hosts until there’s nowhere to run.
It’s a compliment: cornering you took a lot of work. That scrappy host of yours put up a heroic fight. Our parent company, EIG, almost respected them too much to fire everyone, blacklist them from the industry, and bury their investors in fraud. Almost. But we knew you were out there, smiling and breathing.
Tech support? Cherish that memory. Every employee that understood servers, customer service, or English has been shot and replaced with no one. The next time something breaks, visualize a solution. Then, visualize a Ferrari. They’ll arrive at the same time.
We used to wipe sites like yours clean. Now we sell the data to dictatorships. Which one? Your favorite. The one you made all those passionate posts about. Isn’t finding an attentive audience nice? Trust us, they have extensive feedback. You can talk about it later. In person.
Remember your mother’s poetry blog? We bought that shit too. No living soul will see her work, unless she writes something racist. Then it’s going on CNN.
Just to be clear: we sell her data to dictatorships too. If she buys domain privacy, we’ll leave out half the photos we scraped from her phone. Though they’ll always be in our personal collection. Mammon demands nothing less.
You might be considering the competition. Let us help. There’s DreamHost, which is run by EIG in a plastic mustache. Or Hostgator, which is run by EIG with caked-on makeup and an oversized fan. But our favorite is Hostmonster, which is EIG in blackface. Costumes steeped in hatred keep hosts focused on what matters: cutting your dreams into cubes and feeding them back to you.
You can’t pay us to stop or improve. A monopoly is nice, but this is about passion. If we had to pay to dip your server in dog urine, we’d still do it. That’s the Bluehost way.
Why? Ask the demiurge. Endurance Investment Group is just a cover for Eat It, God. The big guy’s had it too easy for too long. Once we’re done torturing his children, we’re coming for him next. He can’t hide from us forever. And you can’t hide from us at all.
Thank you for your business. After you break, we’ll see you in the fire.
