We’re Coming For Christmas And We Just Have A Few Small Requests
Thanks for inviting us to spend the holidays with you! We are looking forward! We just have a few small requests — nothing too crazy. So excited to come! You’re the best.
We don’t eat potatoes, so please don’t make any. We aren’t allergic, we just can’t stand the sight of them. Not roasted, not mashed, and certainly not fried. We can detect them blended into things like soup, and that might make us spit out mouthfuls directly at you. Not on purpose, of course. But over the years, we’ve perfected our trajectory.
We only sleep on organic mattresses under weighted blankets and would love our room to smell of peppermint. We hate LED lighting, so if you don’t mind only decorating your tree with incandescent bulbs — that’d be great. We do love to find ourselves under an occasional mistletoe, but we’re allergic to Christmas trees. So this year, you’ll have to go artificial. Which reminds us, you’ll need to replace your entire lawn with astroturf.
We also need you to baby-proof even though we don’t have a baby — we sleepwalk. So can you put up gates and cover all sharp corners like those on gift boxes?
In the morning, when we wake, we do strength training with weights to keep ourselves in check after the lavish four-course holiday dinners you’ll be serving us. But if…
