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Wet Dream: How To Create The Ultimate Ocean-Themed Bathroom

Take a swig of rum, strap on your lifejacket, and steel yourself for the best guide on how to fool your guests into thinking they’re at sea when they relieve themselves in your home.

Going to the bathroom or submerged in an underwater world? Your guests won’t be able to tell the difference. Photo: Francesca Zama

1. Collect some nautically-themed images on Pinterest. One to two thousand should be enough to spark some inspiration.

2. Buy a new house. Your current one doesn’t have a bathroom vast enough to contain your oceanic dreams. If you calmly explain your project to your bank manager, they will respect your idea and offer you a loan, no problem.

3. Decide on your sub-theme: Will you go tropical or cold water? Do you want to feel like a Scandinavian fishmonger or a sunburnt Pacific Island tourist when you take a shit?

4. Install portholes. Go for tinted glass if you like your privacy. Go for clear glass if you want a more thrilling bathroom experience.

5. Walls: blue, obviously. Any shade will do because after step 9 the color won’t be particularly relevant anyway.

6. Floor treatment: If you’re going for cold climate, fill your floor space with pebbles and small rocks. If you’re going tropical, dump a ton of fine white sand onto the floor (this also doubles as an effective absorber for couldn’t-get-there-in-time accidents).

7. Décor: You’ll need around 20 wall pieces to convince your guests that your bathroom is near to or under the sea. Some suggestions: wood-mounted plastic tuna (preferably programmed to sing a jaunty tune like Under the Sea when it detects movement), rusted anchors, lifesavers, buoys (hang these from the ceiling with rope), diving gear, whalebones, giant clam shells, pirate paraphernalia (including pieces of eight, taxidermied parrots, and miscellaneous booty). (I caution against Googling to find the latter.)

8. Mount a large TV to your ceiling (the wall space should already be occupied) and program it to play water-themed movies 24/7. Some suggestions: Water World, Free Willy, Ocean’s Eight through Twenty-One, Watership Down, Jaws.

9. Buy an automatic spray dispenser with a motion sensor and fill it with saltwater. Install it at approximately eye-level near the doorframe. The spray should activate every time someone enters the bathroom. Saltwater is great for the skin and everyone loves sea air.

10. Unleash the crabs: Do not use real crabs. Crabs make poor pets due to their surprisingly low trainability and their indifference to affection. Instead, purchase 20 to 30 fake battery-powered crabs. Make sure they’re switched on when you have guests over.

11. Your bathroom is done! Invite your guests over. Give them plenty to drink (caffeine and alcohol work best) and nothing to eat. Do not tell them about the bathroom until they ask where it is. It’s far more enjoyable for everyone if your guests experience your bathroom without any preconceptions about your masterpiece and with the adrenaline-pumping urgency of a full bladder.

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Medium humor. Large laughs.

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Clare Wieck

Clare Wieck

Writer, musician, sayer of sooth and silly. Völlig losgelöst von der Erde. www.clarewieck.com

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