What I Really Want & What I’ll Actually Get This Mother’s Day

Motherhood is nothing if not a master class in managing your expectations.

Jenn Knott
May 10 · 3 min read

1) What I want: Good quality, wireless noise-canceling headphones that have extended battery life and feel like butter on my head.

What I’ll get: Two mounds of used candle wax molded into cone shapes, which more or less fill the voids of my ear holes.

2) What I want: Genius refrigerator using advanced emotion recognition technology to issue appropriate pick-me-up compliments as soon as I wrench open its door in the morning.

What I’ll get: One of those talking cards playing a pre-recorded message like, “Don’t yell at us!” or “Someday you’ll look back with regret!,” stuck in the fridge, activated at my own discretion.

3) What I want: Personal French chef who spoils me rotten for an evening and leaves no trace of his activity.

What I’ll get: Two gas station frozen pizzas past their expiration date and a sink full of greasy plates.

4) What I want: Bottle of red Châteauneuf-du-Pape from the nice wine store.

What I’ll get: The dregs of all our almost-empty cough syrups mixed together like a cocktail, topped off with rubbing alcohol.

5) What I want: A weekend escape at a luxury beach hotel, spent mostly half-naked and alone in a lounge chair soaking up vitamin D.

What I’ll get: Thirty minutes in a bikini under the patio heat lamp in which I listen to The Beach Boys’ Greatest Hits and endure probing questions as to the origin of every scar and stretch mark.

6) What I want: An hour-long, full-body massage at the expensive spa performed by the attractive but not creepy guy.

What I’ll get: Five to six tennis balls duct taped to a yardstick and raked across my back for the duration of two Peppa Pig episodes.

7) What I want: A large bathtub practically spilling over with piping hot water and frothy bubbles and surrounded by aromatherapy tea lights, just waiting to envelop me in relaxation.

What I’ll get: A cocoon of our cleanest throw blankets set up on the couch, a few drug store candles burning on the window sill, and a generous spray of fire extinguisher foam when both the curtains and my wrappings go up in flames.

8) What I want: Tranquilizer darts in child-size doses, plus some in adult-size that can be self-administered like an EpiPen.

What I’ll get: Some illegal hallucinogenic plant pieces mailed to me inside carefully re-sealed candy wrappers by my brother, the hippie horticulturist.

9) What I want: A hysterectomy, next available.

What I’ll get: Tiny fists mercilessly pummeling the specific abdominal area I’ve circled with a Sharpie for however long I can bear it without screaming my safe word.

10) What I want: One appointment with a qualified lady therapist who’s paid to assure me I’m not a sacrilege to motherhood but a normal human woman doing the best she can, bound for many inevitable small failures.

What I’ll get: Two sweet kisses, two big warm hugs, and a genuine declaration like, “You’re sure not flawless, but we probably deserve each other.”


Jenn Knott is a parenting and comedy writer based in Bavaria, Germany. She’s written for RAZED, Points in Case, & Little Old Lady Comedy and contributes regularly to German parenting site Hallo Eltern. Find her on Twitter @jkusesherwords or at jennknott.com.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Jenn Knott

Written by

Connoisseur of quiet, makes exceptions for dance parties. Contrib The Belladonna, Slackjaw, RAZED, Points in Case. @jkusesherwords; jennknott.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade