What Your Favorite Artificial Flavor Says About Your Childhood
Cherry
Being the most popular kid in class came with its perks — invites to all the birthday parties, your pick of suitors at the school dances, a leg up in the student election. You were definitely the envy of many of your classmates. That is, until you farted during your social studies presentation and tried to blame it on the teacher.
Bubblegum
The divorce was tough, but weekends with dad meant plenty of candy, soda and sad dad activities (like mini golf). He really was trying his best, even when he accidentally left you behind at that house league baseball game because he met a single mom with big naturals. At least you got a new bike out of it.
Grape
For some, the sound of the recess bell meant hitting the jungle gym, dividing up into teams for a friendly game of Red Rover or spreading whispered rumors about who got a training bra. For you, recess meant one thing, and one thing only: digging for worms. The chaos of the punishing social hierarchy and pain of human existence all began to fade away as you squatted down in the dirt, got your fingernails filthy and communed with those who understood you best.
Orange
“An A is not an A+” was a refrain you heard often at the dinner table. As heartbreaking as it was never being good enough for your parents’ unreasonable standards, you became very adept at handling rejection and living with a low sense of self worth. Lucky for you, those qualities became very helpful in adult life!
Lime
Staying focused in the classroom wasn’t your strong suit, but as soon as the gym teacher’s whistle sounded, you entered The Zone. You dominated in all sports, whether it be dodgeball, field hockey, basketball or sprints. As a result, your dad started talking about college scholarships before middle school. You know what they say, there’s such a thing as a healthy amount of pressure! Plus, he really needed something to keep him going after the divorce.
Watermelon
You learned from a young age that sometimes you have to fight dirty to win. Did that mean you spread a nasty rumor that Gracie Squires wet the bed until age 13 just so Jake Parker wouldn’t like her any more? Perhaps. Did it also mean that you got to date and dump Jake Parker yourself? Without a doubt.
Lemon
As an only child, you found yourself around adults more often than you were around other kids, which is probably why you used a briefcase instead of a backpack at school. You found it hard to connect with other kids over things like toys, video games, and other trifles of childhood. Your comfort zone was chatting about opera with the school secretaries, and rumor has it you actually made it into the teacher’s lounge on one occasion.
Blue raspberry
There wasn’t a dare you’d say no to. When a Whoopee cushion fell into your hands on Thanksgiving, onto Grandma’s chair it went. You even pulled the fire alarm at school more than once. But things went too far the day you pantsed Ms. Sherman in front of the whole class and got suspended. It did cement you as resident badass well into high school, though.
Hoping for cherry, but settling for banana
You were the youngest.
