What Your Houseplant Situation Says About Your Level Of Depression
1 Succulent: People are worried about you and the number of days you spend in sweatpants, and they’re not sure how to tell you that. So they decided to give you a plant to “brighten” the space.
1 Half Dead Plant: You’re depressed. Your Netflix has consistently asked you if you’re still watching, and you find it comforting that they care to ask. It’s the most you’ve felt seen in weeks.
1 Half Eaten Plant: Congrats! You’ve moved onto the “adopted a shitty cat” phase of depression!
2 Live Plants: By keeping some other living things alive, you’re showing the world that hey, this pandemic has beaten me down, trapped me in my apartment, and destroyed my social skills. But look: a ficus!
4 Thriving Plants: You’re on SSRIs, you’re sometimes meeting your steps goals, and you’ve learned the difference between direct and indirect sunlight. There is also a glimmer of sunlight in your soul. Aww.
7 Fake Plants: Do you listen to Huey Lewis and the News? People are questioning whether you may be luring people to your home for untoward purposes in a dark commentary on capitalism and masculinity in the 1980s.
2 Mostly Eaten Plants: The good news is that your mental health is continuing to improve. The bad news is that your cat doesn’t feel so good.
1 or More Pear Trees: You’re the gift receiver in a Christmas carol, and your suitor can’t take a hint. But you haven’t sent them back because you’re getting to the age where you ask: “Well, is this the best I can do?” Still, you’re getting rid of those partridges. You don’t want to be the “bird” person.
12 Fake Plants: I think you’re missing the point here. Were you also someone who bought plastic fish and put them in a fully functioning aquarium? You’re not depressed, but… maybe you should be?
9 Large Plants: Wow, okay. You’ve clearly spent a significant amount of money at Lowes. The mental health care system has failed you, and so you’ve turned to plants. They’re the only things that listen to you. Sometimes, you think they speak back. They tell you things. Terrible, terrible things.
11–15 Unruly Plants: You could be spending this money on a therapist, you know? For this amount of money, you probably could get someone even on your mediocre healthcare plan. Also, why do all of your plants have googly eyes glued to their leaves?
20 Verdant Plants and Above: You’ve not only named the plants, but they’ve named you. You’re now the “Tree God.” They stare at you with their googly eyes, at all hours, and await your command. Your green children are ready, but is the world?
