What’s In Your Wallet, Honey Bunny?
As PUMPKIN stands mired in the spell of 0% interest for 24 months, JULES snatches his arm, and now holds him at gunpoint.
Capital One TV Commercial: “The Diner”
Open inside a diner where hostages lay splayed across the floor. A robbery is taking place, much like how other credit cards don’t allow you to redeem rewards points on certain flights during pesky blackout times.
PUMPKIN, a crook played by Tim Roth, points a revolver as he clutches a plastic garbage bag. We reverse the shot and see JULES, played by Samuel L. Jackson, our coldblooded, yet financially sound, Capital One spokesman, stoically perched in a booth.
PUMPKIN: In the bag.
JULES casually drops his billfold in the bag. Indifferent towards his credit cards with hidden-fees and cashback limitations.
PUMPKIN: What’s in the case?
JULES doesn’t flinch. He exudes the tacit poise of a psychopathic thug with low-interest freedom and a Jheri curl.
JULES: Oh, nothin’. Just the all-new Capital One Holy Mother Lode Card.
PUMPKIN is now so tense he may have a hernia. He’s been lusting after a card with this kind of credit limit.
PUMPKIN: Open it.
JULES: ‘Fraid I can’t do that.
A frantic woman scurries into frame, brazenly aiming her firearm towards JULES, unable to control her excitement over a no-fuss card without all the bait-and-switch.
PUMPKIN: Be cool, Honey Bunny. Be cool. It’s no problem, I got it under control.
PUMPKIN cocks the revolver and stares down steely-eyed JULES. He’d kill for this card.
PUMPKIN: Now I’m going to count to three. If you don’t open that case, I’ll unload in your incredibly memorable face. One… two… three —
JULES: Four. 4% cashback on all travel and dining occasions. Happy, Ringo?
JULES coolly pops open the mystic case. A golden glow shimmers upon PUMPKIN’s flush gaze. He gulps.
PUMPKIN: Is that what I think it is?
We push in to reveal the lustrous Holy Mother Lode Card, floating in a supernatural orb.
JULES: Yeah. I just told you what it was like two seconds ago. It’s what The Wall Street Journal hails as “Today’s premier low-interest credit offering.”
PUMPKIN, now on the verge of tears, is visibly shaken by a card of this caliber with no annual fees.
PUMPKIN: It’s beautiful.
As PUMPKIN stands mired in the spell of 0% interest for 24 months, JULES snatches his arm, and now holds him at gunpoint.
HONEY BUNNY hops on the tabletop brandishing her pistol and shrills unintelligible obscenities — she can’t stand another second of all the infuriating loopholes. JULES holds PUMPKIN at point-blank while attempting to chill HONEY BUNNY.
JULES: Tell that dissatisfied consumer to be cool! Say, dissatisfied consumer, be cool!! CHILL THAT EXTREMELY DISSATISFIED CONSUMER OUT!!! Alright, now tell her she can’t have my Mother Lode Card, the daddy of all plastics, but, she can go online for a hassle-free application in five minutes or less!!! Promise her!
JULES directs PUMPKIN to move to the opposing side of the booth. And to do it cool.
JULES: Now I want you to reach in the bag and get my wallet.
PUMPKIN pulls out a wallet with an inscription that reads CAPITAL ONE MUTHA LODE.
JULES: Open it up. Take out the money. It’s yours. Along with the other wallets and the register, and the buttload of cashback you’ll be swimmin’ in once your card arrives with free overnight shipping, that makes for a pretty successful little score, huh.
Our bi-polar gangster credit card advisor stares into the depths of PUMPKIN’s soul, sticking a 9mm inches from his face.
JULES: You read the Bible, Ringo? Do you like Bible stories that incorporate practical ways to boost your purchase power?
PUMPKIN nods earnestly.
PUMPKIN: God, yes.
JULES speaks with the moral and fiduciary suasion of a knowledgeable hitman.
JULES: Well, there’s this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. I never gave much thought to what it meant, because it’s pretty complicated, and I was busy killing people, but now I’m thinkin’ it has to do with the tyranny of red tape and inequities of variable APRs. Maybe, it means the vilest sin is limiting thy brother’s keeper from reward points? Or it could mean, the boon of 50,000 airline miles, no foreign transaction fees, and roadside assistance is the path of the righteous man, and Capital One is the good shepherd, in the valley of darkness. But then again, it probably means that the misbegotten competitors are poisoning usurped souls, beset to plunder the finder of lost children.
PUMPKIN understands everything JULES just said. JULES’ demeanor softens, exhibiting empathy like that of a Capital One customer service representative, available 24/7.
JULES: Go. Online. Pre-qualify for the card boasting a generous 3.5x the points at service stations.
PUMPKIN and HONEY BUNNY saunter out of the diner, bummed about the botched robbery, but deep down thrilled with the Holy Mother Lode Card.
Cut to JULES with the largest smile ever recorded on film.
JULES: (roaringly) Hey! What’s in your wallet®, Honey Bunny?
As the twosome glance back, suddenly VINCENT, a hitman played by John Travolta, savagely blasts the star-crossed deadbeats to kingdom come, reminding consumers that if they don’t get the Holy Mother Lode Card, they’re dead.
Cut to a title card.
TYPE: CAPITAL ONE®
What’s in your wallet?®
