When Human Life Definitely Begins, According to All These Different People
The other day I sat down to pen my feelings about other people’s pregnancies, which are very important to me. However, in the midst of my creative process, I was distracted by having to constantly look up all the different certitudes about when life begins. Sensing a powerful need in the op-ed community, I decided instead to write this handy reference guide. Feel free to use it for your forthcoming New York Times opinion piece!
Evangelical Christians, 1968: “At birth.”
Evangelical Christians, 1980: “At conception.”
St. Thomas Aquinas, 13th century: “40 days for males and about 80 days for females.”
Pope Francis, 2016: “At conception. (But it’s OK as long as you say you’re really sorry.”)
The Bible: “Why. Who’s asking.”
St. Brigid of Kildare: “I straight up performed abortions, what do you think.”
Islamic Scholars: “120 days after conception. Europeans were never good with science.”
The Talmud: “At birth. Don’t ask her, you schmuck. She could be bloated.”
Buddhism: “At conception. Also ewwww.”
Atheists: “Depending on the loudness of the child sitting at the restaurant table next to me, 1–438 months after crowning.”
Nihilists: “It doesn’t.”
Satanists: “According to our beliefs which we express under the protection of the 1993 Religious Freedom Act and which also thusly grants us the right to practice the Abortion Ritual which is a protected rite under aforementioned act: low key whenever you want.”
Neopagans: “We’re with Ms. Kildare.”
Liberal men: “I was asked not to talk about this.”
Republican men: “When the baby Jesus saw fit to instill in my loins the power of a 5.0L V8 engine so that my seed may swell in blessed womb of my sacred wife.”
Witches: “WHENEVER I SAY IT DOES.”
Hoteps: “If she’s Black, at conception.”
Politicians: “Whenever my voting base thinks it does.”
The zygote if it was created out of rape or incest: “Sorry, I can’t answer because I’m not really aware I exist until at least 18 weeks.”
The zygote if it was created because Skyler put the condom on backwards on prom night: “Sorry, I can’t answer because I’m not really aware I exist until at least 18 weeks.”
The zygote if it was created because two people had sex under any circumstance you find morally objectionable: “Sorry, I can’t answer because I’m not really aware I exist until at least 18 weeks.”
I really hope this helps everyone! Good luck on your op-ed piece and give ’em heck!
