When I Was Your Age
And other lies we tell our kids
When I was your age doctors didn’t give us anesthesia when they went down our throats with a scope. That’d be a slap in the face to those of us who dated Italians or went to Catholic school. And not a good slap in the face either.
When I was your age my urine never smelled like that.
When I was your age I didn’t question God’s existence, I blamed it.
When I was your age, cartoons were dignified. We needed dictionaries and degrees to understand the Bugs Bunny-Elmer Fudd dynamic.
When I was your age I didn’t get mushrooms from some hipster in Apt. 5B. No, I had to go hunting through acres of cow shit. And hope like hell it was nickel beer night somewhere, so no one got shot.
When I was your age I couldn’t Google, “How long do I boil corn on the cob?” I had to guess.
When I was your age we created words like intersectionality. What the fuck is irregardless?
When I was your age we didn’t have cell phones. We had to pay attention and roll our eyes when people talked to us.
When I was your age I didn’t smoke weed. I was too busy going to church.
When I was your age we didn’t know any better. How many times do you want me to apologize…
