Where is Waldo, Really? A Special Investigation by Sean Hannity
People all over the world have been asking, “Where’s Waldo?” for decades. Waldo came to America from England, where he was affectionately known as “Wally”. The disgustingly biased, ideological mainstream liberal media would have you believe this missing persons case is closed and that there are “more important” things to worry about like “the patriarchy” and “nuclear war.” But, my explosive in-depth special investigation drops a truth bomb on that theory.
First off, Waldo may be blind; I bet none of those NBC-types told you that! Since he first became well-known in 1987, Waldo has had enormous prescription-looking glasses, which our sources say may be a sign of deteriorating vision. He also walks with a cane and appears lost. For 30 years, no one has helped him. Coincidentally, gay marriage became legal in the last 30 years.
Alternatively, Waldo could have dementia. Dementia affects millions of people in this country, including millions of my patriotic viewers. What if Waldo is wandering in crowds, without his wits, vulnerable to all sorts of dangers like thieves and terrorists, lurking at every corner?
Perhaps worse, Waldo may have reverse claustrophobia. This rare disorder is characterized by a deep fear of being in wide open spaces. Waldo needs to be in a crowd at all times. Studies show this is not normal. It’s a real affliction resulting from that one vaccination (just another thing the so-called science folks at the DSM-V don’t want you to know).
Then again, Waldo may be homeless. Waldo does not change clothes. He’s a fully grown man who dresses in one hideous child-like garment and stocking cap throughout the year. A stocking cap in July? No, thank you. I’d rather die. Perhaps, unlike you and I, Waldo cannot afford a different wardrobe for each season or week. Also, I’ve never seen Waldo at my Golf Club. He doesn’t even own golf clubs. And how can someone afford a home if he can’t afford golf clubs? Sounds about as plausible as global warming. Come to think of it, Waldo must not be a very hard worker if he’s so damn poor. He probably can’t even spare a small donation to the NRA.
Waldo may actually be a goddamn hipster. That explains the ironic glasses, the walking stick, the “vintage” shoes (Doc Martens), that millennial hair, and that stupid face. He probably wouldn’t even stand for The National Anthem. Meanwhile, if he had his way, he’d make us all wear Black Lives Matter uniforms and expel the white players from the NFL — just for shits and giggles.
Moreover, Waldo could be a pimp. He’s always on the lamb and he has a cane. Our sources indicate that 85% of pimps have canes and 100% of pimps supported Hillary Clinton in the last election.
Consequently, Waldo is probably an undocumented illegal, or worse, a chain immigrant. He’s constantly on the run, although as a white British man in America he has an approximately .000000016% chance of being deported. But, ICE should find him before he casts another illegal vote.
Waldo is almost definitely a pedophile. He enjoys luring children; he wears childish clothes to attract kids. Waldo is known to frequent classrooms and pediatric dentists’ offices. We must believe Waldo’s accusers. They’re not like the liberal money-hungry sluts trying to defame Roy Moore, Steve Wynn, Wesley Goodman, Don Shooter, Pat Meehan, Trent Franks, Blake Farenthold, or The Great President Donald Trump.
Waldo is a deranged serial killer and a danger to society, although Tim from accounting swears he used to be a stand-up guy; he just had a rough year and a minor gambling problem. He travels light. He never blinks. He goes by different names in different countries.
HE HAS A NAME IN ARABIC!!!
This just in: Smoking gun evidence reveals Waldo is a terrorist, confirming our long-held suspicions. The bleeding heart snowflake media is so fixated on finding him, they’ve failed to tell you about his victims.
As you can see, our investigation led us to conclude that Waldo is, above all, a Democrat.
For more, watch our upcoming “Famous Faces” web exclusive interview with All-American Hero Clint Eastwood, who talks about his own deeply disturbing encounter with Waldo at a leftist playground in Burbank, California funded by the DNC.