While we’re on the subject of manspreading…

I’m more curious why, men, you leave the toilet seat up.

Do you want us ladies, or other men who have to go #2, to fall into the toilet? Is that your end goal? Maybe if I leave the toilet seat up, my wife, or Steve from HR, will disappear into the black abyss. My wife and Steve from HR have it coming. Both won’t stop torturing me with the cat-like serenades of Adele.

I hope your true reasons aren’t as nefarious. Is it because you don’t have the time? Is your day that jam-packed that you are physically unable, due to time constraints, to put the toilet lid back in its resting position? I mean, I’m sure if we need to develop an app or autonomous robot that can assist you in this time-sucking motion, we can put a call out here on Medium. Hey, developers, can you create a toilet lid that yells “Hey! Come back here, Buddy. Put that toilet seat down.”

Is it because it’s truly impossible for you to aim into the toilet bowl without an inch or two of additional surface space? I mean, you have a cylinder-like appendage attached to you that allows you to grab, position and angle into the toilet bowl. People playing darts don’t have as excellent of assistance.

Let me share with you what it is like for us women to walk into the bathroom and see the toilet lid up. A tiny cyclone of rage builds up within. That funnel continues crescendoing upon first eyeing the dried dots of piss along the the toilet bowl rim, the spotting of random pubes, the realization that we’re going to have to come into physical contact with this cesspool of bacteria.

And you may argue, “Well, women, why don’t YOU always put the toilet seat back up for us instead of us putting it down for you?” And I say to that: YOU NEED TO HAVE THE TOILET DOWN SOMETIMES TOO. Between us ladies, who need it down 100% of the time, and you men who need it down 50% of the time, that is 150% of us needing it down vs. 50% of us needing it up. In other words, toilet seat down outwins toilet seat up.

Wait, wait, wait. Scratch all that.

I have a much more important question: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THE BATHROOM WHEN YOU’RE GOING #2? You can’t actually be pooping for 45 minutes straight. It’s not possible. No human has that much poop in them. We ladies are in and out; no hanging around the toilet after business is completed. Our legs fall asleep otherwise.

Are you reading your phone? Are you creating haikus in your head? Are you singing the entirety of Adele’s 25, STEVE?

You can read more of my work at Hipstercrite.com

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