Who Do I Vote For If I Can’t Have A Beer With Anyone?
I’ve been sober for seven months, three weeks, and five days — not that I’m counting or anything. Sobriety has given me many gifts: clear skin, mornings without regret, stale coffee in a church basement. But as election season barrels down on us, I’ve encountered a rather unexpected conundrum: How do I decide who to vote for when I can no longer have a beer with the candidates?
This might seem trivial to some, but for decades, my voting strategy was simple and effective. Policies? Platforms? All are simply words politicians say, empty promises. What’s important to me and mines is who you’d want to knock back a cold one with at the bar after a long workday. It’s the ultimate litmus test of relatability. How can I trust that someone is fit to run the country if I wouldn’t trust them to hold my spot at the bar while I hit the restroom? How can I in good conscience vote for someone to be the leader of the free world, if we can’t have a 30-minute conversation about the NFL draft over a few Coronas? At the end of the day, voting based on the candidate I could have a Dr. Pepper with, just doesn’t have the same appeal.
So now, without beer, I find myself adrift in a sea of campaign promises and dry think pieces, struggling to find my political North Star. During lunch with a friend, I explained my dilemma, and she suggested that I look at summaries that compare and contrast the candidates’ views against each other. But I’ve always considered myself a vibes based voter. I focus on the individual, and what I share in common with them, not on the differences between the two candidates. After all, aren’t we all divided enough already?
Frustrated with traditional methods, I sought out unconventional solutions. In a moment of desperation, I turned to online quizzes to match me to the right candidate. “Which Candidate’s Spotify Playlist Matches Your Taste?” and “What Your Harry Potter House Says About Your Political Beliefs” were less helpful than I’d hoped.
My sponsor, Dave, suggested coffee as the new metric. But coffee shop conversations are all about philosophical debates or first dates. I can’t decide on a leader based on who has the best take on metaphysics while sipping an Americano, and I’m not in the right headspace for a relationship right now.
I’m thinking I’ll have to revert to tradition, to what my father did and his father before him.
I suppose I’ll have to dust off my TV remote and tune in to the next debate, picking the loudest candidate. After all, nothing says “presidential material” like a good set of vocal cords. Cheers to democracy, even without the beer.
