Who’s Ready For A Throat Punch To The Taste Buds?!

The most brutal baking show on YouTube

Kyle L Smith
Jun 2, 2020 · 4 min read
Illustration by Author

I’m Magnus Leavensson, and this is Brutal Baking! If you’re ready for a throat punch to the taste buds, then scream out your war cry and smash that Like button so hard that your neighbors call the police! Woo!!!

I hope you strapped on your big boy panties today because we’re banging out an epic bread recipe that’ll change your life forever. Make sure you’re fully hydrated and as hard as a rhinoceros’ tusk before we begin. Ladies, don’t feel left out. The true boner is the one in your heart.

Start with a blend of King Leonidas Extreme Gluten Bread Flour, All-Beef Protein Powder, and Rogaine.® Paw out 27 heaping handfuls onto your work surface. As you know, I only use measuring cups for scooping the tears of raw vegans out of my comment section.

Next, you’ll need a rusty bucket of saltwater. If you’re already in my Sweat Harvest Challenge with #ManGlazeMadness, you should be all set! After your bucket of skin-stank spends a night outside, it will be foaming with natural yeast.

Did you know that yeast makes air pockets in the dough by gorging itself on sugar and farting itself to death? Glorious!

Finally, take the dry ingredients and fully combine them with your bucket of body-brine. Don’t panic if it reeks of wolf piss, that’s the testosterone kicking your baby dough ball into puberty. Kneading is unnecessary because the pubescent loafling will beat itself up with its own inner angst as it struggles to grow into a confident, woke man in this crazy world.

It gets better, little guy…

Yesterday I commanded you to fire up your blast furnace. It should now have preheated to 2700 degrees Fahrenheit. If you’re still using a standard oven, then you can go back to whining about how gluten-free tastes the same as actual bread, you beta soy-boy!

Gaze with wonder as the dough rises like a fully flexed bicep, fueled by the bovine growth hormones in the protein powder. Firmly punch it down to prove your dominance or else it will marry your Mother and try to get you to call it Papa in front of its friends. You’ll never be my real Dad, Lars!!!

Using a two-handed broad-ax, attack the elastic skin like you’re avenging your father’s death. You’ll need at least three deep gashes for the bro-steam to vent out properly during baking.

You do NOT want that trapped in the dough! Last time I forgot this step, the loaf became sentient and formed a death-cult obsessed with causing Ragnarök, the end times. It was a glorious battle, but so many young men died for nothing…

Using a ten-foot cast iron ship’s oar, carefully place the dough in the lower chamber of the blast furnace. The end of the oar will melt right off. Just leave it, it’s not worth it. Let my eerie lack of eyebrows be a warning.

Pro-tip: if you want something to bake faster, just crank up the temperature! At this heat, the loaf will be done in under a minute.

Using a ten-foot stainless steel ship’s oar, carefully remove the artisanal cannonball from its cradle of molten pig-iron. Allow it to cool by clenching it to your bare chest while screaming for Thor to grant you strength.

Immediately shave off the curly black hair that’s sprouting from the golden crust with Harry’s Razors®, a long-time sponsor of this channel. The growth is totally normal, it just tastes like Satan’s pubes.

Unhinge your jaw and sink your fangs into the hot loaf like a dragon pinning down its mate. The musky flavor will unshackle your mind and thrust you into a deathmatch with a primal reflection of your truest hidden identity. Only one will survive. Spoiler alert — it’s not you.

Your newly dominant shadow self will be rewarded with the moist and juicy flavor of fermented salmon and jockstrap. It’s an acquired taste.

Now quit being a coward and rip into your destiny!

Yeeessss!!! Welcome to my channel, warrior reborn! Let me know in the comments below how much you despised your former weaker self. Your new identity can also now legally create a second YouTube account and subscribe to me again!

When you’re done, prepare for bloody murder in a few hours when your anus erupts like the climax of an angry fire giant. Tweet me the aftermath with #TharSheBlows and I’ll post my favorites on Instagram.

Make sure to watch tomorrow’s episode or I’ll beat you to death in your own home. Now, go head-butt life in the nuts! Magnus out! Woo!!!

Follow Slackjaw on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Thanks to Shay Michael, Don Cross, Jennifer Jank, and Hannah K. Allen

Sign up for Yapjaw

By Slackjaw

Yapjaw is Medium's #1 newsletter for all things humor, and we're sorry to say you'll only receive it a few times a month. Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Kyle L Smith

Written by

Humor writing hobbyist with words in Slackjaw and Points In Case.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Kyle L Smith

Written by

Humor writing hobbyist with words in Slackjaw and Points In Case.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store