Why Am I Called “Deep Throat”?
You couldn’t think of a better codename?
The following is a transcript of a recorded conversation between Bob Woodward and his confidential source, Deep Throat. To commemorate the 50th anniversary of President Richard Nixon’s resignation, it is shared here in full for the very first time.
[Footsteps echo in a vacant garage, followed by what sounds like a cigarette being lit.]
DEEP THROAT: You let Haldeman slip away.
WOODWARD: We know.
DEEP THROAT: You’ve done worse than let Haldeman slip away, getting people feeling sorry for him. I didn’t think that was possible. In a conspiracy like this, you build from the outer edges and you go step by step.
WOODWARD: We have. Everything we’ve done, we’ve done by the book. Tracking down all leads, following the money — we even use codenames for sources like you. But for some reason, the story keeps —
DEEP THROAT: What’s mine?
WOODWARD: Huh?
DEEP THROAT: The codenames. What’s mine?
WOODWARD: It’s stupid, really. It’s not important.
DEEP THROAT: Tell me.
WOODWARD: Doesn’t mean anything.
DEEP THROAT: Tell me.
[Muffled noises.]
WOODWARD: Did you hear something?
DEEP THROAT: No.
WOODWARD: Are you sure? I could’ve sworn —
DEEP THROAT: What’s. My. Codename.
WOODWARD: (sighs) It’s … Deep Throat.
[Silence.]
DEEP THROAT: ‘Deep Throat’?
WOODWARD: Our editor came up with it.
DEEP THROAT: Why am I called ‘Deep Throat’?
WOODWARD: It’s just a codename.
DEEP THROAT: Not a very nice one.
WOODWARD: I call you ‘my friend.’
DEEP THROAT: If I was your ‘friend,’ you wouldn’t let your editors call me ‘Deep Throat.’
WOODWARD: I think you’re overreacting.
DEEP THROAT: I’m overreacting? Tell me, what do you think a whistleblower actually does?
WOODWARD: Not that, obviously.
DEEP THROAT: Or Segretti’s ratfucking operations. You know he’s not really having sex with rodents, right?
WOODWARD: Now you’re just being crass.
DEEP THROAT: And you’re being hurtful. Just because I’m incognito doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings.
WOODWARD: Can we get back to Haldeman?
DEEP THROAT: How would you like it if everyone started calling you ‘The Swallower’?
WOODWARD: Come on.
DEEP THROAT: Or … ‘Slob Wood-Hard’!
WOODWARD: Stop it.
DEEP THROAT: Hang on, I can do better.
WOODWARD: You’re being childish.
DEEP THROAT: Hey, I’m not the one who named me ‘Deep Throat.’
WOODWARD: What do you want me to do?
DEEP THROAT: Change it.
WOODWARD: What?
DEEP THROAT: Change my codename.
WOODWARD: Are you serious?
DEEP THROAT: Of course I’m serious. Once a nickname takes hold, it’s impossible to shake. Just look at Tricky Dicky. Seriously though, you should look into Tricky Dicky.
WOODWARD: Wait, you mean this goes all the way to —
DEEP THROAT: Codename first. How about ‘The Insider’?
WOODWARD: Oh, for God’s sake.
DEEP THROAT: Or ‘Mr. X.’
WOODWARD: Enough.
DEEP THROAT: ‘Jackie Cool’?
WOODWARD: Listen, I’m tired of your chicken-shit games! I don’t want codenames. I need to know what you know.
[Long pause. Sound of feet shuffling followed by a deep sigh.]
DEEP THROAT: Okay. Get out your notebook.
[Muffled silence followed by sharp sound of pages being flipped.]
DEEP THROAT: ‘Captain Covert.’ Use that one. Oh, and your lives are in danger.
