Today I’m going to discuss one of the most detestable creatures that roam this earth… It’s a beast that wakes me up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, heart palpitating furiously in my quaking chest. I see it behind my eyelids and I know it’ll be the last thing I witness before I depart from the land of the living. This being is none other than the equine, one of God’s few mistakes. In this informative article, I’m going to relay my knowledge on these disgusting animals so that society won’t continue to live in such murky ignorance. These beings are DANGEROUS and should be exterminated for the following reasons.
1. They are no longer useful.
Horses have been around for a long time (too long, in fact). Before the invention of the automobile, mankind reluctantly relied on them to get to and fro, unwillingly requiring their company from one destination to the next. From riding horseback into war to having them pull carriages along, I cannot deny their usefulness throughout history. HOWEVER, the twenty-first century is filled to the brim with technological advancements, including within the realm of vehicles. We no longer need to depend on deceitful steeds for travel (thank the Lord).
2. They’re violent.
According to one study, over 80% of horseback riders are injured at some point during this irresponsible past-time, with horseback riding having been proven to be more dangerous than riding a bike and, in comparison to the vicious sport of hockey, “horseback riding-related injuries were more likely to require hospitalization” (Mastellar). Also, have you ever read Great Expectations? Somebody dies in that with a kick from a horse to the head — same as in the show The Witcher. I rest my case.
3. They take huge dumps.
Horses shamelessly release huge, reeking shits wherever they go. Whereas some animals (such as the angelic cat) will make an attempt to wipe their paws and hide their feces, horses do not. And if they had hands (Every day I’m grateful that they do not), I’m convinced that they’d toss around their stool like a ballistic batch of monkeys. They are thoughtless, cold animals that go to the bathroom wherever they are without a care in the world.
4. They have soulless eyes.
The horse has a pair of tiny little eyes, small orbs of darkness that rest far away from each other on its disgustingly massive face. Never have I seen a drop of empathy or understanding when looking a horse in the eyes; all I’ve found is malice and a disregard for human life.
5. They go “Clop clop clop”!
The sound of a horse approaching is one of the most rage-inducing sounds in this world — I’d much rather hear my alarm go off after a long night than hear the sound of hooves pounding a path, bringing one of Satan’s steeds closer to me than is necessary or wanted.
6. They stand while they’re asleep like freaks.
The very last main reason I will present in this article (for there are many more) why you, personally, should despise horses and pray for their extinction is that they can sleep standing up. That’s right — they aren’t side sleepers or one to sleep on their belly or back, but they pass out right on their fucking feet. It’s not natural to sleep like that and this fact should be wildly unsettling to everyone who hears of it.
That is all for this article. I pray at night for the safety of everyone from this race of devils on Earth and thank you for reading my exceedingly important words.
Works Cited:
Mastellar, Sara L. “Equestrian Injury Statistics.” Ohioline, 24 Jan. 2021, https://ohioline.osu.edu/factsheet/19.
