Why I would make a bad getaway driver.
As Millennials, we love switching things up career-wise. Whereas previous generations could commit to one company for their entire career, we Millennials are all about experiences. That might mean moving to different companies every few years. Hell, maybe even switching up entire careers!
To that end, I was recently entertaining the idea of whether or not I would make a good getaway driver. You know, the guy behind the wheel during bank heists and the like. (See also “Baby Driver.”)
After careful analysis, I have come to the conclusion that I would make a very bad getaway driver. Here are some reasons why:
1. I don’t like driving fast.
Here’s the thing. I’m not a fan of driving fast.
I maybe go 10 miles over the speed limit on the highway. And on smaller streets, I definitely obey the limit. I am a responsible driver and consider the safety of others.
To be a good getaway driver, you need to be totally fine with speed and the collateral damage that comes with bolting away from police cars. Maybe that’s going reverse down an alley, doing a spinny move, then crashing through a line of grocery shopping carts while you hit the on-ramp of the highway, trying to elude capture. Well that just doesn’t seem like my style.
That is one reason I would make a bad getaway driver.
2. I don’t own a leather jacket and find masks to be itchy.
It seems that part and parcel of being a getaway driver is wearing a leather jacket and wearing a mask of some kind to hide your face.
Quite simply, I don’t own, nor do I have any intention of owning, a leather jacket. It doesn’t fit my personal aesthetic. Maybe I could pull off suede, but that’s still a far cry from leather.
Also, I find masks to be itchy and would dislike wearing one during whatever crime I’d be hired for. Maybe this stems from a childhood incident where I wore a werewolf mask for Halloween and broke out in hives. Who knows.
3. The money vs. work/life balance is not worth it.
I’m a Millennial. I particularly value work/life balance over extrinsic rewards like bags of unmarked cash, which seem to be the only thing keeping getaway drivers in “the game.”
Sure, money is important. But in this line of work, the work/life balance is totally out of whack. You have to be “on call” pretty much all the time, you work weird hours, your boss is constantly breathing down your neck and threatening to break your kneecaps with a tire iron if you go to the authorities, and the job leaves little room for recreation like spin classes, cooking, and spending time with friends and family who are always wondering what you do and where you make all your money.
Okay, maybe if they had on-site meditation rooms, a well-stocked office kitchen full of LaCroix, or a flexible WFH and vacation policy, I might reconsider. But no, it’s a pretty restrictive gig. Is all that money worth it if you can’t even enjoy spending it? Exactly! Yet another reason I’d make a bad getaway driver. My heart just wouldn’t be in it.
4. I have an extremely high sense of guilt.
So here’s the thing: I’m a pretty sensitive person. On Facebook, I saw a video of a kitten that was left abandoned by its owner, only to be found and fed and re-nourished and bathed back to health by some good samaritans. Wow, I experienced every possible emotion during that short video.
Similarly, I don’t have the stomach for committing crime. I have an extremely high sense of guilt, and if caught by authorities, would immediately confess and name all my co-criminals in a heartbeat. This doesn’t serve me or any of the people I work with. So I’m much better off not pursuing this line of work.
So these are some reasons I would make a bad getaway driver. What about you? Do you think you have the skills / desire / leather jacket to be a getaway driver? Feel free to share in the comments.
