Why Red Delicious Apples Are My Favorite Apple
I love ‘em.
Red Delicious apples are the greatest apple. First off, I love how descriptive the name is. I only like names of things that tell you what the thing is, like the band Metallica or the movie A Bad Moms Christmas. I know exactly what I’m getting into. What’s the deal with these abstract apple names like Gala or Jazz? In my opinion, Jazz would be a fantastic name for a band. But an apple? All wrong. I hate an apple with a name you have to think about, or god forbid a name that’s foreign like the mysterious oriental “Fuji.” Gong sound, am I right? No, a good product or service tells you exactly what it is, right upfront. It’s the same reason I only trust used car dealers with “Honest” in their name. How could they lie? Anyway, boy is that a confident apple.
When I’m walking through the produce section of my local supermarket and I see that dark red pyramid of totally untouched apples, I’m sold. I judge apples like I judge people: by the color of their skin and how many I can afford.
And the flavor! Yummers! No other apple can replicate that subtle flavor that’s somehow so wet it’s slimy and so dry it tastes like homework. And the skin! That thick, bitter skin. Sometimes when I want the red delicious experience in a pinch, I’ll take bites out of a raw potato wrapped in wax paper. But this apple is full of surprises! They can even tell time! You can take one bite and know if it’s been thirty seconds when the exposed flesh has turned a healthy, corpse brown.
And that texture! I love to feel the grain of an apple. Each bite becomes a sort of chunky mucus. You can really never stop chewing one. The bits just roll around in your mouth like slippery aquarium gravel. Bon appetito! I love to sit down with a red delicious, microwave up a cup of steaming, flat beer, and crack open a biography on my favorite scientist, Dr. Josef Mengele.
And that iconic shape! Who doesn’t like the thought of biting into a great big tooth? That twisted, unnatural profile reminds me of my ideal woman, a 90-year-old surgery addict who has mooshed her body into a shape that could only liberally be described as “semi-human, all titty.” The red delicious has the crisp color and shapely contours of a sunburnt lot lizard with crippling lumbar lordosis. Now that’s my kind of apple bottom! I like my women like I like those corrupted proteins that cause mad-cow disease; broken and twisted improperly as to become part of a miserable cycle they can never escape. I love red delicious apples!
Now, some people may disagree with my opinions on the superior red delicious apple, but in the words of my favorite comedian, Bill Cosby, “You are all liars who are out to get me. ZOOPITY ZOPPITY!”
