Why We Can Fix The Global Economy By Flooding The Market With Deep House Remixes Of Kacey Musgraves’ Golden Hour
2019. Already, a year of economic instability, global uncertainty, and fractured markets. Investors are worried: could we be heading deeper into a recession? Fortunately — as we saw in the early 2000s when Britney Spears and Janet Jackson combined forces to create the internet—there is no greater driver of economic growth than music. This is why I believe we can fix the economy by flooding the market with deep house remixes of Kacey Musgraves’ award-winning album, Golden Hour.
There is a clear, noticeable gap in the market for these remixes, made only the more apparent when Kacey released the Kue remix of ‘High Horse’ in late 2018. This remix not only served as a viable proof-of-concept for the launch of further club remixes, it also fucking slapped.
This discovery has implications ranging from healthcare to the automotive industry. Recent studies of the Kue remix have shown that when the song came on at the bar, I blacked out and woke up two days later with my acne cleared and engaged to a man who drives a BMW. A full series of remixes would be nothing short of a global economic disruption that would change the way we do business.
Is this plan scaleable? I ask the question: would Golden Hour have won four Grammys if it wasn’t scaleable?
The release of dance remixes to songs including ‘Lonely Weekend,’ ‘Butterflies’ and ‘Rainbow’ will not only make my ass cheeks clap, it will easily generate billions of dollars of revenue. This is why we must pull all of our investments from oil and natural gas commodities, and instead invest in flying the world’s best electronic musicians to Nashville, where they can access the original vocal stems of these economically and culturally significant records.
It is easy to see how seed funding for these remixes would immediately yield ROI. Building to an epic drop during the chorus of ‘Slow Burn’ would not only be totally sick, it would lead to increased productivity in all sectors as workers go fucking nuts. I hesitate to speculate about the effects of speeding up Kacey’s vocals to 120 BPM, though I predict the new valuation of SoulCycle would be through the roof.
With so many downtempo tracks, Golden Hour does present challenges for job creators. However, I am confident in our ability to problem-solve in order to meet popular demand, for example by putting down a steady un-tss-un-tss-un-tss-un-tss during ‘Space Cowboy’ and just letting consumers ride out the vibes.
Overall, this strategy is not without risk. Namely, releasing any more “acoustic remixes” of Golden Hour songs will cause dramatic economic instability and potentially collapse, as the anticipation of club remixes and subsequent disappointment sends the US and China spiraling further into a bear market.
As with any stimulus, this approach will take time to implement properly and requires the alignment of multiple stakeholders. If there’s one takeaway we can all agree on it’s this: Someone should at least upload a bootleg deep house remix of ‘Velvet Elvis’ to SoundCloud.
Thank you, and please enjoy the rest of your time at Davos.
