Woman Orientation

Allison Page
Aug 15, 2016 · 4 min read

First of all, welcome to womanhood!

We’re so glad to have you, we need all the beings we can get. But we don’t want to mislead you (you’ll get enough of that without us) things are going to be…um…well, they’re tricky. Challenging! Think of it like a challenge. The first thing you’re going to need to make your way through the world in its current state, as a woman, is a machete.

Haha. Just kidding. We guess. No but really we’re just kidding.

The first thing you’re going to need to make your way through the world in its current state, as a woman, is a machete. Ha! Wow, that is not what I was going to say, it just came out again. A second time. Weird.

Okay, but really, the first thing you’re going to need to make your way through the world in its current state, as a woman, is the biggest barrel of unshakeable confidence and self esteem you can get. And that’s hard, because you can’t buy it. You’ll try, but you can’t! But you’ll need it, so…maybe go through something really awful and then when it’s over you’ll be able to cope with all the other equally awful things that will happen, because you’ll be more experienced.

You know what they say, “What doesn’t kill you prepares you for the inevitable horrors of being a woman!”

There is no way to opt out of the future terrible things, we want to be really clear about that. Everyone goes through bad things. Absolutely everyone. And every woman goes through a second batch of really specific bad things. But we get pink hammers! (Not complimentary, you’ll still have to pay for them. And they cost extra. They always cost extra.)

Where were we? Ah, right, yes, the woman-specific problems. Bear with us here, because this will seem confusing, but you should know up front that the value system for men and woman is just, like, not the same. Hm. What word are we looking for here? Women are…uh…okay, how about we give some examples. Let’s say, ohhhh maybe a man of some social standing or other has the urge to do something which will negatively impact you, a woman, in a very personal and real and lasting and possibly physical way. If he goes through with said urge and you are negatively impacted, as you clearly would have been from the start, it’s very possible that people will get confused and feel bad for him.

See, now, we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that makes no sense. And we can’t really help you with that — the making sense of it part. And honestly, haha, we don’t recommend you spend a lot of time thinking about that. It’s a bit depressing, and we like to keep it positive around here! People will definitely expect you to keep it positive! Because if we don’t keep it positive, well, haha let’s not get into that. And if you’re struggling, your orientation packet is filled to the brim with antidepressants. And a free pencil!

We don’t mean to imply that the experience of each woman is exactly the same — of course it isn’t! For some women, lots of worse things will happen on a daily basis, constantly raining down upon them like a bottomless bucket of piss. Will you be one of those women? Haha we don’t know the future, okay? All we can do is give you the packet, teach you how to French braid your hair (which you’ll eventually forget how to do) and send you on your merry way.

Before we adjourn and you fly the nest, we’d like to touch on a question that comes up from time to time, which is — “but what if I know myself to not be a woman, but the world perceives me as a woman?” The answer is, don’t worry. They’ll find a way to classify you in a category they’re most comfortable with and all the trappings will come along with it — like the pink hammers! (Again, you will have to buy them.) And, of course, there’s the reverse scenario. If you know yourself to be a woman but are perceived to be a man, don’t worry, we will find a way for you to also be treated poorly. We can promise you that. We’re very inclusive.

Over time, your feelings about your womanhood will be all over the map. Some days you may find yourself proud to be who you are; a glistening, smiling, powerful sack of human meat posting photos of yourself on vacation or reading a book. Some days you may want to hide under your bed or in a closet, pretending to not exist. Some days you may want to pretend to be a man and you’ll put on a long trench coat, fake mustache, and fedora because you assume all men look like Inspector Clouseau from The Pink Panther. But that’s not going to work. And that’s okay. Struggle all you want — we all go through it — but when you’re done struggling, or even while you’re still struggling, womanhood will be here, waiting for you.

In all your achievements, your womanhood will be there, messing up your headlines or attributing your advancements to the nearest man. It’s all just part of the deal.

We’re so glad you could join us. The more, the Mary-er. Haha. Just trying to lighten the mood. To sum up: it will be great, it will be horrifying, it will cost extra, but it’s who you are and try as you might you cannot escape it.

Also cramps, for most of you.

With love,

The Ancient Mystical Order of Womanhood, LLC


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Allison Page

Written by

Writer/Actor/Director/Artistic Director @killingmylobstr / Terrible ideas are all my own. allisonpageishere.com



Your source for the Medium funny.