World’s Hottest Moms, By Sigmund Freud
I like my women like I like my Mama.
5. Halle Berry
I have a soft spot for talented mothers like Halle Berry. She is like the insatiable goddess Aphrodite, stirring the loins of men, but Lady Berry pales in comparison to my Mama.
For one, Halle Berry loves all of her children equally. My Mama says I am the only one strong enough to spread my father’s seed. You say Halle Berry is an academy award-winning actress? In my wet dreams, my Mama takes on the form of the mythical monster, the Kraken, and ensnares me in a grip of orgasmic ecstasy.
4. Heidi Klum
A German mother after my own heart. No doubt she dresses to impress, but Heidi Klum is far too modern for my taste. I prefer a mother who is more old-fashioned and haggard, like a Baba Yaga.
Perhaps if she were to dress more like my Mama. She should wear a tea gown with a huge bustle to morph her backside into the shape of a boulder. Or what if she carried a cane made of walrus tusks that she used just for spanking?
Then she could chase me around my study yawping, “Come here mein goldener Sigi. Come to Mama! Pull down your lederhosen so I can laugh at your penis!”
3. Jennifer Lopez
Jennifer Lopez is a sexy mother whose singing rivals the Muses of antiquity. Yet I wonder, where is the family resemblance? I like my women like I like my Mama: with the deep resonating voice of a stern governess, and my face.
It can be said that the desire to make sweet, tender love to your mother is rooted in the desire to love yourself. After all, all men come from their mothers, to look into the eyes of your mother is to see your reflection wearing a wig.
I see nothing of myself in Ms. Lopez. Where is her angry scowl that can crack a vase with a glance? Why do her eyes not look like descended testicles? Where is her bushy beard that makes bedtime kisses so tasty?
2. Kim Kardashian
There is no other mother like her in the world. She is a woman of pure sex, a walking succubus of carnal desires. Her appetite for the finest pleasures in life is only matched by her passionate love for her children.
She is Jocasta: Oedipus’ mother and lover, slayer of fathers, she who heralded the fall of Thebes, all sons are servants to her wants and needs —
Wait; what? Are we not talking about my Mama? No. Who are we discussing? Kim Kardashian? Oh ja, I know of her. She’s okay. She doesn’t really do it for me.
1. My Mama, Amalia Freud
Winning by a landslide, my Mama is undoubtedly the “World’s Hottest Mom.” What makes my Mama so hot? Her rattling touch makes me quiver, she has the insatiable body of an ostrich, and her breast milk tastes far superior to my wife’s.
It excites my manhood how she refuses to chew when eating Vienna sausages. Every time Mama plays this game, she chokes, I give her the Heimlich maneuver, and then she hoarsely whispers through gasps of air, “I was pretending it was your penis.” It’s almost as exciting as when she shouts my name during intercourse with Papa.
He says he never notices, but my analysis confirms otherwise.
I can’t think of any other woman in the world to be more deserving of the title “World’s Hottest Mom.”
Honorable Mention
My wife and mother of my three children, Martha Bernays.
