Yapjaw: Total Eclipse Of The Fart
Slackjaw readers and patrons of comedy, my name is Adam Dietz and I am the editor of Slackjaw’s monthly newsletter, Yapjaw. Each month, I will showcase the best and brightest humor on Slackjaw in addition to some other cool stuff from equally cool spots.
Happy belated 25th anniversary of the time Fabio got hit in the face by a goose while on a roller coaster at Busch Gardens! Look, there’s nothing funny about someone getting hurt, but there is something funny about Fabio getting hit in the face with a goose while riding a roller coaster at Busch Gardens.
On this week’s edition of Yapjaw, we’re talking leaf blowers, foot pain, and Elvis impersonations. Want the goods? Keep reading!
Slackjaw’s Best In Show:
I Am Moving To New York City To Pursue Crying Full Time by Erin A. Ross
It’s Me, Stock Photo Girl, And Soon I Will Inhabit Your Body by Kat Garcia
This Is My New Leaf Blower by Kate Brennan
My Best Friends Ranked By How Much Blood I’ll Donate To Save Their Lives by Mayur Chauhan
A Morning Routine Of The Woman Who Rides At The Front Of Your Spin Class by Hannah Wilkinson
Great Work From Other Great Places:
I Have Googled “Foot Pain” and Regret to Inform You That I Am Dying by Ryan David in Points In Case
Emails From My Dentist That Would Actually Make Me Schedule An Appointment by Tom Smyth in McSweeney’s
From The Slackjaw Editors’ Desk:
Forgotten Cannibalism Episodes of Famous Sitcoms by Adam Dietz in Slackjaw
Useful LEGO Kits For Adults by Emily Menez in Slackjaw
I Am The Mascot And You Shall Know My School Spirit by Adam Dietz in Slackjaw
The “Babe” Index by Alex Baia in McSweeney’s
Slackjaw Head Editor, and all-around funny man, Alex Baia is teaching a free humor writing workshop on May 11. Whether you’re new to writing humor or you have been dabbling at it for a while, this workshop is for you.
Editor’s Note:
During 5th and 6th grade, I did two Elvis impersonations in two different talent shows. I have no recollection as to why I did these performances, only the fact that I did them, and that live went on okay-enough afterwards.
For the first talent show, my mom didn’t really know how to dress me like Elvis, so she had me wear a silk work-shirt of hers and a winter scarf around my neck. I looked more American Gigolo than I did Elvis. Nevertheless, the performance went pretty well. I mean, there was a part where I tried to throw the scarf to the crowd, but it was still kind of stuck around my neck, so, you know, that didn’t really work. But I improvised pretty well out of that and eventually won the crowd over. The song was “Hound Dog.” After the show—as I walked back from the gymnasium to my classroom—a bunch of my buddies acted like they were bodyguards and walked the perimeter around me. When you’re an 11-year-old boy, that’s a good feeling.
The second talent show—a year later—did not go as well. I was sort of smug after the first one and didn’t rehearse my rendition of “Jailhouse Rock” as much as I should have. This time, my mom put electrical tape on a white t-shirt to simulate the look of a striped jail costume. As we say nowadays, it was pretty janky. Truthfully, the whole thing was sort of a disaster. I was in middle school now and had a bigger audience, but because I hadn’t practiced, I only knew the chorus. I also had only one dance move, so I had to just keep doing it over and over again during the song. It’s not a long song, but it’s long enough for one dance move to get pretty stale. After the show, I left the stage and spent the next six years hoping people would forget about it, which they mostly did.
When I have children of my own, I’ll discourage them from doing Elvis impersonations in middle school. But if they push me on it, then I’ll probably let them. If you want to be King, you’ve gotta take some risks.
The Final Bell:
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Until the next edition of Yapjaw, take it easy.
