Yeah We Removed The Headphone Jack. The Fuck You Going To Do About It?

Amanda Rosenberg
Sep 8, 2016 · 2 min read
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Hello World. It’s us, Apple. You crying because we took away your headphone jack? Pshhh, grow up. Do you know how innovative you have to be to remove a headphone jack? Very fucking innovative is the answer to that question. People don’t realize how much courage it took to make that decision. Sitting in meetings where people would say “people want better chargers” and “the chargers are shitty” and “we should just make better chargers” and to have the bravery to say “no, let’s remove the headphone jack”. That takes some goddamn brave balls right there. And now look at us now. At the forefront of technology. With these fucking awesome AirPods. Beautifully designed white sticks that’ll make you look like your ears bleed cum. Sure, they’re easy to lose but we’ve come up with an ingenious solution for that, we call it Buy Another Pair, Idiot. Can’t believe there’s so much fuss over a headphone jack. If we had more time we would have removed so much other shit. We were going to take away the home button and replace it with Forehead TouchID so that every time you wanted to go back, you’d have to tap the screen to your forehead. CAN’T YOU SEE HOW FUCKING COURAGEOUS THAT IS? Probably not, because you’re not Apple, you’re person. Now stop whining and buy this goddamn phone and these goddamn white bluetooth-headset-looking motherfuckers, because what’s your alternative? Any other phone? LMAO. Buy it you fucks.

APPLE OUT.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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