Yes, You Fool, You Must Protect Your Favorite Recipes With A Twelve-Character Password
At least one of the characters must be Chinese
Thank you for creating a user account here at AwesomelyHealthyRecipes.com! To protect your new account, please select a unique password now.
What? No, you cannot skip a password just because the only thing you’ll ever do on our website is select your favorite recipes to include in your MyRecipes folder. Do you know what havoc hackers could wreak if they learned, for instance, that you’re interested in making our Cracked Rosemary Sweet Potato Egg Cups?
Frankly, we don’t know either, but we’re terrified of the chilling possibilities. As H.P. Lovecraft said, “the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.” So go ahead and select a password, please.
“Recipes”? You picked “recipes” as your password? We get that you’re not a cybersecurity expert, but that’s certainly not going to cut it.
Perhaps it would help to visualize the danger. Picture, if you would, a nefarious hacker, hunched over a flickering monitor in the dead of the night. This dedicated cybercriminal has but one evil goal: gaining illicit access to your individualized list of healthy recipes, thereby discovering whether you’re in the mood this week for our Coriander-Braised Chicken Breasts, or, possibly, our always-popular Arrowroot-Caraway Vegetable Orzo.
What password do you think this inveterate miscreant will guess first?
Exactly.
Plus, to optimize your security, your password must be at least 12 characters long. Please try again.
“RecipesRecipes”? Do you think cybersecurity is a joke?
Let’s be clear about the stakes. In the words of the immortal Tom Clancy, “if you can control information, you can control people.” With God as our witness, we at AwesomelyHealthyRecipes.com will not stand idly by while crooks take control of your recipe list — and thereafter, your entire life.
To defend against this existential threat, your 12-character password must include at least one number and one special character. Also, one Chinese character. Please input a different password.
Good. Your new password seems to comply with — wait. Of all the Chinese hanzi, you picked “饭,” meaning “food” or “meal”? Unbelievable! A wily hacker will be all over that!
Tell you what, though, let’s continue with the account registration process. Once you’re set up, we’ll just send you several emails daily, each more hysterical than the last, reminding you to create a more secure password.
Now, please provide your mobile telephone number to establish two-factor authentication.
No, you fool, you can’t opt out of two-factor authentication! Look, we don’t care if Amazon lets you get away with an eight-character, English-only password or Wells Fargo is satisfied with wimpy one-factor authentication. No matter what may happen to your Social Security number, banking information, or other sensitive data, we’re committed to ensuring that your personalized list of healthy recipes — which, hopefully, includes our Paprika-Infused Pumpkin Latkes — is more secure than Fort Knox. So please provide that phone number.
Thank you. You’re set with two-factor authentication. Oh, you can ignore that continuous shrill pinging from your phone. It’s not an Amber Alert; our authenticator sometimes accidentally sends a couple dozen verification codes instead of one. Technology, right?
Speaking of technology, we’re almost done. We just need you to complete this CAPTCHA by clicking all the pictures of traffic lights.
No, you cannot bypass the CAPTCHA. Other than the fact that a snippet of computer code can neither cook nor eat, what evidence do we have that you’re not a bot?
Sure, we’d love to take your word for it, but bots are crawling around the Internet right now, hoovering up confidential information like your interest in our Organic Beetroot Vegetarian Biryani. So go ahead and click those pictures, please.
Uh-oh. You failed the CAPTCHA. Didn’t you click all the pictures of traffic lights? Including the ones where the lights themselves weren’t visible, but the poles were?
No, the directions weren’t ambiguous. The pole is an integral part of the traffic light! Everyone knows that!
Fine, fine. We’ll cancel the fraud report we just sent to the FTC. Luckily, we have a backup system in place to confirm you’re human. All we need is a simple biometric security package consisting of fingerprints, a DNA swab, and a retinal scan.
You know, if you don’t mind us saying, your blood pressure seems a bit high. Perhaps you should be eating better. Dishes like our Cardamom-Turmeric Chickpea Stew and our Culinary Lavender Portobello Mushrooms are great for the heart.
Wait, where are you going? Your registration isn’t complete!
