You Are Cordially Invited To King Henry VIII’s Gender Reveal Party
King Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon invite you in this momentous year of 1510 to a gender reveal party and feast of pheasants at Greenwich Palace. Join the King and Queen in celebrating the birth of their heir — which will definitely be male. If the child is, indeed, a son, a minstrel will play a jubilant tune on the lute and all shall toast in celebration! If the child is… well, the entire kingdom shall weep the tears of a thousand seas. Even the court jester.
King Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon invite you in this splendid year of 1516 to a gender reveal party and evening of merriment at Richmond Palace. Appetizers of stewed vegetables and porridge will be enjoyed. To reveal the big surprise — which is actually not a surprise at all since everyone knows it’s a healthy IRL son this time — Tommy Cromwell will release some rare and precariously exotic fowl that will indubitably be blue, and not pink.
King Henry VIII and Anne Boelyn invite you in this glorious year of 1533 to a gender reveal party and carnival of dancers, mummers, and puppeteers at Greenwich Palace. There will be no birds this time. Promise! Aristocrats will waltz gracefully in masquerade attire in the elaborate rose garden. Join the King and Queen in rejoicing in the birth of a male successor — and hopefully a legitimate one this time, Henry — as Tommy Cromwell will shoot a serf out of a confetti cannon at midnight.
King Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn invite you in this blessed year of 1534 to a gender reveal party and bold display of sportsmanship at the Palace of Whitehall. No more daughters — Henry is ready to be a #BoyDad. To reveal the unquestionably male heir, accomplished jousters of the King’s court will battle in the arena for an audience of many. Blood will be shed, but it will be worth it, to spread this joyous news. Only time will tell until the blue knight’s flag waves in victory. It better be blue, Goddamnit.
It’s 1536, peasants, and King Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn are having a gender reveal party with enough cheese and crackers for like, eight people at Hampton Court. In order to share the exciting news with their guests that it is unequivocally, abso-fucking-lutely a male heir, a prisoner will be tarred and feathered in the common, strung from a tree like a piñata, and beaten until an inch from death by the King’s 6’5” guards. The longer the prisoner survives, the longer the son’s eventual reign over the kingdom shall be.
King Henry VIII and his new wife, Jane Seymour… You know what? Forget it! King Henry VIII is tired of this fanfare horseshit, and will publicly execute either a male or female prisoner in the town square to announce the gender of his progeny. Don’t forget to take a gruel cake pop for the long and dangerous journey home!
