You Bet Your Ass I’m A Team Player
Great teamwork means great listening, and when I’m listening, you’ll feel it.
I’m glad you just asked me if I’m a team player at this interview, Daniel. Normal employees love paid vacations, good medical benefits, and the sound their firstborn child makes when she gets a puppy for Christmas. You know what I love? Teams. Being on a team. The way the word “team” sounds when I hear it in an audiobook of Good To Great by Jim Collins that’s playing on loop while I drive to a company retreat where we do trust falls and talk about our enneagrams.
Let me be clear. I love teams like I love my own grandmother. Rest in peace, Baba!
I study all the great teams: Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak. The New York Yankees. The Albanian Workers’ Party, 1941–1991. This sales team you have here at BubbleApp is impressive. A real A-team, Daniel. The A-team with George Peppard and Mr. T — also a damn good team!
Great teamwork means great listening, and when I’m listening, you’ll feel it. I’ll be up so close, you will be able to see many of my smaller tattoos. The symbols may look odd and unsettling, especially the bird eyeballs. Don’t worry. They’re Balkan. My little birdies are listening, Daniel, and so am I.
Team players love feedback. Me? I demand it. If you don’t give it, I’ll lock us both in a meat locker until you do. “Hey, let me out of here!” you’ll shout. Not happening, teammate. You’ll claw and you’ll beg and you’ll swear I’m a monster, but, Daniel, I’m not letting you out from behind those dry-aged ribeyes until we do a 360-degree-review of my interpersonal communication style, my yearly KPIs, and the true meaning of my bird tattoos.
There’s a little something called Besa, Daniel. Code of Honor. It means I’ll pledge my life to our quarterly sales numbers. I believe it was Hellen Keller who said, “Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.” And it was the great Albanian Workers’ Party leader Enver Hoxha who said, “Even if we have to go without bread, we do not violate principles.”
Daniel, I’d like to riff on some team-building words that inspire me. Communication. Synergy. Flexibility. Conspiracy. Retribution. Those are the words that I hum to myself while I listen to the audiobook of Think And Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. Win-win. That’s another good one!
Previous work experience? Daniel, I’m glad you asked. I went to hell and back for my previous sales team, The Kruja. We were a startup. We were indicted for racketeering, embezzling, kidnapping, arson, yada yada. Classic team stuff. Anyway, I did five hard years in Attica for that team. Had to fight lots of guys in there, with my fists, shanks, and a morning star that I improvised from a broom handle, some nails, and a five-pound can of peas.
But I came out all right. You know why? Because I had a great prison team: The Brotherhood of The Two-Headed Eagle. We weren’t based on skin color, we were based on our mutual love of two-headed eagles. That’s what teamwork is about: loving the same goal, or the same terrifying bird, or loving not getting your ass kicked by The Aryan Brotherhood — another strong team, though I disagree with their goals.
Daniel, have you read Crush It! by Gary Vaynerchuk? I have the audiobook. It’s excellent. I will give you the login credentials to my Audible Account. It’s no problem, teammate. I have many life-changing business and self-improvement books. I get them for free because I know a guy.
In the words of Louisa May Alcott, “It takes two flints to light a fire.” Actually, that’s not so true, Daniel. There are many ways one person can light a fire, and I’m ready to use all of them for BubbleApp. But I still love that quote. I also love Gillian Armstrong’s 1994 film adaptation of Alcott’s Little Women. Have you seen it? It’s very good. A real powerhouse of ensemble acting, Daniel.
So, yes, Daniel, you bet your ass I’m a team player. My Baba always said I need a good team to channel my animal spirits. You know what else she said? “Stop eyeing the door, young man.” Try her advice, Daniel. My Baba. Very wise. Rest in peace, Baba!
Daniel, I should mention that I am the type of employee who brings his eagle to work, so I’d like to now discuss whether you offer pet insurance and an on-site aviary here at BubbleApp.
Alex Baia contributes to McSweeney’s, The New Yorker, and runs Hyoom.com where he publishes humor, essays, and interviews with amazing writers.
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